As procrastinators almost always find out...everything can be fixed with some effort and a credit card. (That's what late fees and rush deliveries are for.) I drove up to the City to get my "sample" dose of Follistim this morning, whew. Now I have enough to last me until tomorrow, when the new batch of drugs (to the tune of $730) will arrive at my doorstep. How can something so little be so expensive? (With the exception of diamonds.)
I can feel my ovaries twisting and pinching, which is a good sign, I think. I can feel them getting "heavier", too. It's never felt so good to start feeling bad! Not to mention I haven't been able to get to sleep until around 1:30 a.m. I even accidentally slept in until 8:00 this morning and almost missed my morning walk with my buddy! Shame on me...but I honestly couldn't go to bed!
Tomorrow is another ultra-sound / bloodwork appointment, so we'll se how this all plays out. I hope for nice, growing follicles...and plenty of them!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Up and Down
Well, I had another appointment today...and the news was good. (Man, this is an emotional roller-coaster ride.) I had 11 follicles on the right and 7 (or so) on the left. Not bad, huh? They're all a little smaller than they'd like to see at this stage (thanks to my low-dose handicap the first two days), but my Dr. thinks that we can make up that time and just push back the retrieval a few days. Whew.
Don't get too comfortable. There's still time for another glitch. (This one is my fault.) Because my Dr. unexpectedly doubled my Follistim and added three more days of medication, I suddenly realized that I was woefully low on drugs. I mentioned this to my Dr. today at my appointment, but because it was so late in the afternoon when I finally got the call for my dosage, my drugs cannot be delivered until Friday. Yeah, I don't have enough Follistim for tomorrow night.
What to do? Well, let's just hope that they have a little bit to spare tomorrow. I'll call them early in the a.m. and ask if I can pick some up. Let's not even talk about the extra $400 that this is going to cost...
Am I the only one who has really bad subtraction, procrastination, and foresight issues? Please say no.
I took today's picture at a waterfall surrounded by graffiti. I was simultaneously appalled by the intrusion of paint on the rocks, and yet awed by the juxtaposition of bright colors and falling water. Here is my "everything relates to infertility" moral to this story: Though the human hand cannot always improve upon what nature creates, sometimes humans can work in tandem with nature to create something tryly wonderful. (Like little IVF babies.)
Don't get too comfortable. There's still time for another glitch. (This one is my fault.) Because my Dr. unexpectedly doubled my Follistim and added three more days of medication, I suddenly realized that I was woefully low on drugs. I mentioned this to my Dr. today at my appointment, but because it was so late in the afternoon when I finally got the call for my dosage, my drugs cannot be delivered until Friday. Yeah, I don't have enough Follistim for tomorrow night. What to do? Well, let's just hope that they have a little bit to spare tomorrow. I'll call them early in the a.m. and ask if I can pick some up. Let's not even talk about the extra $400 that this is going to cost...
Am I the only one who has really bad subtraction, procrastination, and foresight issues? Please say no.
I took today's picture at a waterfall surrounded by graffiti. I was simultaneously appalled by the intrusion of paint on the rocks, and yet awed by the juxtaposition of bright colors and falling water. Here is my "everything relates to infertility" moral to this story: Though the human hand cannot always improve upon what nature creates, sometimes humans can work in tandem with nature to create something tryly wonderful. (Like little IVF babies.)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thanks for Agreeing With Me
That's right - my body is rediculous! So after the 200 IUs of Follistim last night, my body decided that, whoa, that's a lot of dang hormone. My estrogen level went up "nicely" - as my nurse stated. (Notice, not my doctor, she might never be that encouraging.)
So, another blood draw / ultrasound tomorrow, and I'll get to see how those follicles are coming along. Hopefully there will be many and they will be getting bigger. Please...
...let this work out. Because the drugs are making me crazy.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement! I heart you guys!
So, another blood draw / ultrasound tomorrow, and I'll get to see how those follicles are coming along. Hopefully there will be many and they will be getting bigger. Please...
...let this work out. Because the drugs are making me crazy.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement! I heart you guys!
Monday, June 6, 2011
2nd Checkup and Already a Hiccup
I was hoping against hope that everything would go perfectly for this IVF...but here we go.
Today was my second blood draw appointment since starting the drugs for this cycle, and it did not go well. My fourth IUI (back in November '10) was ultimately canceled due to hyper-stimulation. It seems that I responded far too well to the Follistim. So, of course, this time they started me on only 75 IUs each evening. Well, that didn't work out.
My estrogen levels were so low that my doctor asked if I'd even been taking the shots at all. Really? Would you like to see my bruised belly?! It was a frustrating moment, to say the least. My doctor made sure to say that she, "didn't know why I wasn't responding" to the drugs. Well, I don't know either. I thought that's why you had the Ph.D., not me. Sigh. I guess I was asking for too much. Can this cycle be salvaged? I'll be giving myself 200 IUs of Follistim tonight and will let you know tomorrow.
Gotta go - 3 different alarms tell me it's 8:00...time to shoot up.
Today was my second blood draw appointment since starting the drugs for this cycle, and it did not go well. My fourth IUI (back in November '10) was ultimately canceled due to hyper-stimulation. It seems that I responded far too well to the Follistim. So, of course, this time they started me on only 75 IUs each evening. Well, that didn't work out.
My estrogen levels were so low that my doctor asked if I'd even been taking the shots at all. Really? Would you like to see my bruised belly?! It was a frustrating moment, to say the least. My doctor made sure to say that she, "didn't know why I wasn't responding" to the drugs. Well, I don't know either. I thought that's why you had the Ph.D., not me. Sigh. I guess I was asking for too much. Can this cycle be salvaged? I'll be giving myself 200 IUs of Follistim tonight and will let you know tomorrow.
Gotta go - 3 different alarms tell me it's 8:00...time to shoot up.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Difference
I have had to hear, at different times over the last three years, that many of my friends, relatives, and acquaintances are pregnant. It almost always irks me because I am jealous and insanely frustrated. I think that's understandable. I don't ask them to understand my feelings, I just don't have to respond.
Here's my golden rule: If you want me to care about your pregnancy, you have to care about me not being pregnant.
That is to say: if you haven't contacted, talked to, or given a shit about me in the last year, it isn't necessarily polite to call me up out of the blue (or email me) to let me know that you're pregnant. (Especially with your second child.) This is especially true if you know that I have been struggling with infertility for the last three years.
But if you've shared in my pain over these tortuous times, I will gladly share in your joy during this one.
I got an email the other day from a woman I haven't really talked to much over the last few years. I haven't even seen her for I don't know how long. I don’t' really know what's going on in her life, I've never been to her house, and I couldn't even tell you where she works at the moment. In fact, it's the only email I've gotten from her in the last three years. I doubt she knows very much about me past what I post on Facebook. (I might know more about her, but I've blocked her along with all my other pregnant or were-pregnant friends.) Why did she send me this? I'm sure I'd find out through the grapevine that she was pregnant…just like she would find out through the grapevine if I had died a tragic death from inhaling flames from the torch I was using while performing my new circus act. Because she wouldn't know if I was doing any of those things - she doesn't check in / care about me in the least! It annoyed me to the point of tears. She doesn't even care enough about me to consider my feelings about an impersonal email rubbing in my infertility.
But when good friends, who have supported and loved me through this difficulty, become pregnant...that's a different story. My friends out in California are also pregnant, and my friend (who is going to be a daddy for the first time) told me through a Facebook chat conversation. You'd think that that was an equally impersonal way to let me know, but here's the difference: It's not the only chat we've had in the last 365 days. We chat now and again all the time. They have been good friends over the years. They have always come to visit when they are near. We go out to dinner with them if we can, and they always listen sympathetically when I talk about what's been happening. (Even if they don't offer to tackle a dad so I can steal his baby while the mom isn't looking. That still being a good friend; I forgive them.) So when I hear that they are having a baby, I am still jealous, but I'm willing to overlook it because they care about me, and I (in turn) care about them, too!
This whole thing saddens me a little, because there are people to whom I should be close and buy little baby presents for…that I don't. I haven't even sent a card to my sister, who had her 2nd baby in February. She never calls me to see how I am, so why should I call her? And I frankly don't mind if she doesn't care about what's going on with me, but I surely don't want to be bothered (or guilted into) paying special attention to her, either. I know it sounds crass, selfish, and mean, but I simply don't care anymore. I have a lot on my plate, and I'm going to do whatever I can to get through it intact. I don't need anyone else (since I've never had anyone but my husband and my mom to help me) to lean on. I can do this on my own. And if anyone wants to be happy for me in the end, they can, but I won't expect it. I won't need anyone else's happiness when I finally get my baby - I will have all the happiness I need.
With that said: Thank you to those of you who have left comments for me or followed me, even through my long silences. It means so much to know that I'm not alone, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, I appreciate your comeraderie. You're awesome.
Here's my golden rule: If you want me to care about your pregnancy, you have to care about me not being pregnant.
That is to say: if you haven't contacted, talked to, or given a shit about me in the last year, it isn't necessarily polite to call me up out of the blue (or email me) to let me know that you're pregnant. (Especially with your second child.) This is especially true if you know that I have been struggling with infertility for the last three years.
But if you've shared in my pain over these tortuous times, I will gladly share in your joy during this one.
I got an email the other day from a woman I haven't really talked to much over the last few years. I haven't even seen her for I don't know how long. I don’t' really know what's going on in her life, I've never been to her house, and I couldn't even tell you where she works at the moment. In fact, it's the only email I've gotten from her in the last three years. I doubt she knows very much about me past what I post on Facebook. (I might know more about her, but I've blocked her along with all my other pregnant or were-pregnant friends.) Why did she send me this? I'm sure I'd find out through the grapevine that she was pregnant…just like she would find out through the grapevine if I had died a tragic death from inhaling flames from the torch I was using while performing my new circus act. Because she wouldn't know if I was doing any of those things - she doesn't check in / care about me in the least! It annoyed me to the point of tears. She doesn't even care enough about me to consider my feelings about an impersonal email rubbing in my infertility.
But when good friends, who have supported and loved me through this difficulty, become pregnant...that's a different story. My friends out in California are also pregnant, and my friend (who is going to be a daddy for the first time) told me through a Facebook chat conversation. You'd think that that was an equally impersonal way to let me know, but here's the difference: It's not the only chat we've had in the last 365 days. We chat now and again all the time. They have been good friends over the years. They have always come to visit when they are near. We go out to dinner with them if we can, and they always listen sympathetically when I talk about what's been happening. (Even if they don't offer to tackle a dad so I can steal his baby while the mom isn't looking. That still being a good friend; I forgive them.) So when I hear that they are having a baby, I am still jealous, but I'm willing to overlook it because they care about me, and I (in turn) care about them, too!
This whole thing saddens me a little, because there are people to whom I should be close and buy little baby presents for…that I don't. I haven't even sent a card to my sister, who had her 2nd baby in February. She never calls me to see how I am, so why should I call her? And I frankly don't mind if she doesn't care about what's going on with me, but I surely don't want to be bothered (or guilted into) paying special attention to her, either. I know it sounds crass, selfish, and mean, but I simply don't care anymore. I have a lot on my plate, and I'm going to do whatever I can to get through it intact. I don't need anyone else (since I've never had anyone but my husband and my mom to help me) to lean on. I can do this on my own. And if anyone wants to be happy for me in the end, they can, but I won't expect it. I won't need anyone else's happiness when I finally get my baby - I will have all the happiness I need.
With that said: Thank you to those of you who have left comments for me or followed me, even through my long silences. It means so much to know that I'm not alone, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, I appreciate your comeraderie. You're awesome.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Holey Moley!
Actually, this post should be titled "Holey Ashlee", because I have more punctures than...well, there just is no comparison. (I tried thinking of several analogies, but they were all pretty lame.)
I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just making an observation. I have a bruised belly.
It's not that it hurts very much. It's not even that hard to remember what to do. I will admit, however, that it is a little daunting to mix the Menopur in it's crazy little vials with the special funky caps, but I'm sure I'll get over that soon. But that's really the worst of it. Even the needles seem smaller now that I've done this for a while. (Not looking forward to that big one at the end though - the stim shot.)
I just want this to work. When it does, it will be worth all the effort. I just have to tell myself that this is the price I have to pay for my babie(s). And when I think about it like that, it seems paltry, insignificant, and simple. I would stab myself 10 times a day to have a baby in nine months. Twenty even! If positivity were a drug, I'd be taking it regularly...along with several other expensive and strang-sounding pills and liquids.
I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just making an observation. I have a bruised belly.
It's not that it hurts very much. It's not even that hard to remember what to do. I will admit, however, that it is a little daunting to mix the Menopur in it's crazy little vials with the special funky caps, but I'm sure I'll get over that soon. But that's really the worst of it. Even the needles seem smaller now that I've done this for a while. (Not looking forward to that big one at the end though - the stim shot.)
I just want this to work. When it does, it will be worth all the effort. I just have to tell myself that this is the price I have to pay for my babie(s). And when I think about it like that, it seems paltry, insignificant, and simple. I would stab myself 10 times a day to have a baby in nine months. Twenty even! If positivity were a drug, I'd be taking it regularly...along with several other expensive and strang-sounding pills and liquids.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Second Big Appointment - Check!
I went in today for my second big appointment of the IVF procedure. Today was the baseline evaluation, where they checked my hormone levels, uterine lining, and ovaries. I was very nervous, because it seems like there are so many things that can go wrong…even this early in the game. But my fears were unfounded, and everything looked good. My FSH level was down to 1.4, and My Estradiol level was down to 20. (In case I haven't mentioned it - my doctor said that I have a hyperthyroid issue, which is why I'm taking Levothyroxine on top of everything else.) I am glad that all systems are go for this IVF. I am just crossing my fingers for the next two weeks to go by without a hitch. I am anxious but excited about the retrieval and transfer…but it seems like so much has to happen - so many injections, pills, and check-ups - before then. And to think that some women do this all naturally…those lucky ducks.Thanks to those of you who are stopping by my other blog - Casual and Clueless - I appreciate it! I hope that it is a little diversion from the "fun" that is infertility. I know it is for me! And we all need a little diversion now and then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)