Still Here, Still Glowing

Can I just say how much I love winter break? It's probably #8 on my list of things I love about being a teacher. (Don't worry, there's an equally long "Things I Hate Can't Stand About Being a Teacher" list...it's a very tough job.) For two weeks, I got to stop focusing on 120 of other people's kids, and focused entirely on my own little bairn. It was awesome!

Since I'm now at Week 30 (hooray!) and in my third trimester, I figured it was time to do some "nesting". I managed to do the following: sew a heaping stack of burp cloths for myself, get half-way through an afghan for baby, get my husband to clean out and paint le Bebe's room, set up the crib, create a registry, finish my novel (the whole break wasn't baby-related) from National Novel Writing Month, go on a heart-healthy walk every day, wash and sort all of the hand-me-down baby clothes that I got, go shopping to fill out the rest of the "need" list, and a bunch of other stuff.

I took care of my husband, who has been suffering from neglect thanks to long work days, and I spent the better part of a few hours each day just enjoying my baby boy - kicking and squiriming. Needless to say, I'm not super excited to go back to work tomorrow, but I'll go ahead and do it...considering I only have 8 weeks to go before (hopefully) baby arrives and I'll be on leave! Woo hoo!

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and are looking forward to a wonderful new year. Here's hoping that everyone has successfull procedures, long-awaited good news, and healthy babies in 2012!

23 Weeks!

You know what's weird? Growing a human in your mid-section!

My little Tater Tot is getting pretty fiesty these days, and his kicks are very visible. (Unless he's kicking me in the nether-regions, then only I can feel it.) I have moments of sublime happpiness when I feel him moving...

...and then the sureal feeling of knowing that there is a living, not-quite-breathing human being in there sets in. I never really thought about it before, but it is very strange. Don't get me wrong - it's a strange that I love, and a strange that I don't want to end. But it is strange, nonetheless.

I'm at 23 weeks now, and loving every minute. I can't believe how lucky I've been with this pregnancy (though a part of me thinks that I deserve an easy pregnancy). I have only recently started having some lower back pain and some restless legs issues. Sitting in the car for longer than an hour is pretty hard to do. (The drive to NE in two weeks is going to be, ahem, interesting.)

But the fun continues, and I check myself out in every available reflective surface. I'm finally big enough for strangers to ask, "When are you due?" And I love it! You wanna talk about my miracle baby, I think, you bet! Nobody has reached out to touch my belly, though, so I still have that to look forward to.

22 Weeks!

A papaya? Oh my goodness, this little Tot is getting pretty big. Now that I know he's a boy, it has been quite a bit easier to start the bonding process. I talk to him every day. I sing to him every night (I read somewhere that they may remember songs from before birth and it will calm them afterwards...long shot, but I'll take it), and I even ordered a copy of "Peter Pan" to read to him during bedtime. (It was going to be "Alice in Wonderland", but we're on to plan B for Boy.)

My belly is getting nice and round at this point, and I am loving all the clothes that my sister is sending me. I even went online and ordered some stuff from Old Navy, because they're having a 30% off / free shipping sale! Yeah, check it out! Unfortunately, I think my sis and I are officially different sizes. Some items are a bit snug. I'd like to attribute it to my new, ahem, larger chest...but I've put on a few pounds lately anyway, and I'm a size larger than normal. Nevertheless, I am loving the changes and loving my little belly. Those kicks, which happen pretty frequently now, are what I live for. Each one is such a gift.

Names are my only secret...

I know that I've been absent a lot lately... and I can't fully explain why. I have some wonderful things to report! I guess it has a little to do with fear, and a lot to do with guilt. I am well on my way to truly believing that I'm going to have a baby in March, but I still have minor set-backs every so often. I am saddened by the loss that my blog partner-in-IVF has suffered, and I am disappointed in my ability to comfort her or understand what has happened. I also feel guilty that I am doing fine...when her heart is breaking. Hearing about tragedies like hers also reminds me of how frail my condition may be (one never knows).  Nevertheless, I have to keep my baby in mind as I focus on the moments in the last few weeks that have been positiviely life-changing... including the first time my husband felt our baby kick, the 20-week ultrasound, and my changing body.

I have news: We're having a boy! I was certain that it was a girl (helped by the fact that 'Pregnancy Day-by-Day' refers to the fetus as a "she" most of the time), and it took me all of 2 mintues to get over the fact that I wouldn't be buying tutus anytime soon. A boy! Check out my wee son:

The appointment was amazing! We saw a perfect four-chambered heart, two working kidneys (hello, bladder), a big ol' brain, feet, toes, hands, and shapely little bones. The tech said that everything looked "perfect". I loved that the appointment was nice and long - we go to see him move and kick and show us all his "parts". (No, there is no doubt - this is no lassie, it's a lad.) 

I told the kids at school, and they are completely excited. They have since been coming up with names... some of which made the list... at #556 and #9990. Kids come up with some weird names, by the way. (Fifty percent of them want me to name our son after them... ha!) My husband and I haven't had many 'secrets' regarding the pregnancy: everyone knew the when, the where, the how, etc. But names? Names are our secret... you'll find out in March.

Exercise: How much is too much?



I have been feeling a lot better about the health and well-being of my little one lately. No cramping, no spotting, and a strong heartbeat whenever I want to hear it. This is all good news in my second trimester! And I know I need to exercise more than just walking the dogs every day (which is hard when I work from morning to evening). So when this weekend came, I was so exctied to find an easy, flat, 4-mile hike around Twin Lakes. The colors are changing, the time is right, and I couldn't wait to get out of town and into the mountain air.

I live at about 5,400 feet; Twin Lakes is at about 9,000. So, yes, there is a bit of an elevation gain. But the hike is almost completely flat and I took my time completing the four miles. I made sure my heartrate never went above the 140 bpm limit. I ate a great breakfast, a healthy lunch, and we even stopped at my favorite coffee shop for a bowl of cheesy garbanzo and artichoke soup (amazing, by the way!). Nevertheless, I was definately fatigued at the end of the day. I slept like a rock for 9 hours last night.

Today I am TIRED. I seriously hope that I didn't push too hard yesterday. I couldn't have hurt my little one, could I? Some women train for and run 5Ks during pregnancy, right? Sheesh, just when I think I'm confident and content, I get nervous again. I just can't wait to get to the stage that a kick or a punch will reassure me that everything is just peachy in there.

If you are in the Buena Vista, Colorado area, I highly recommend this hike. It's called the Interlaken trail and is part of the Colorado Trail near Granite on Hwy 82.

The Last Time I'll Wear This Skirt...

...at least until next school year! I fit into only about three of my skirts now, so this was one of the last ones. My mom got me a giant cache of maternity clothes (I love you Mom...and Craigslist) from our in CA and sent them to me. So, at least I'm not trying to squeeze into my my jeans!

We are on our way to KS tomorrow (yay for a substitute!) for a wedding, which we are photographing. (I did mention that we moonlight as wedding photographers, right? Well, we do.) It's my husband's cousin, so it will be exciting to see some family there. It's the first time I'll get to be the "pregnant daughter-in-law". I'm excited. And my husband's mom made sure to tell us to "get out and walk around on the drive over." Of course we knew that already (9 hours in the car...oh joy), but it was fun to hear advice from his mom.

Here's what my baby bump looks like this week!

Yes, I'm Still Here...In the Closet

Okay, I have a confession to make: I haven't told the world that I'm pregnant.

I'm at 15w5 days.

I still haven't bought a single baby item. (I did cave in on the maternity pants because my other pants won't button.)

Am I weird? Am I in denial? Am I ever going to be able to fully embrace this? I feel like (already?) a horrible mom-to-be. I keep telling myself (and others) that they can pass on the news at my 12 week...no wait, how about the 16 week...no, the 20-week. We finally had to tell extended family because we're going to a wedding this weekend and I didn't want to "reaveal" my condition as I walk in the door looking like I swallowed a whole cantelope. (Yeah, you can kinda tell.)

But I cannot bring myself to step out of the closet. I haven't made an announcement at our staff meeting at school, I haven't posted anything on FB....I'm just so nervous. Maybe it's habit? Maybe it's nerves? I don't know.

Look Ma, No Head!

I would love to post a picture of my glowing, smiling face...but I really can't. As a teacher, I would be mortified (and maybe even reprimanded?) if any of my students ever found out that I wrote a blog that routinely referenced my hoo-ha. But, I always love seeing belly pics of all of you, so I thought I had to contribute.

Without futher ado, here is my belly:

It's just a little belly, but it's there. You can hardly tell it exists when I wear full skirts or flowy shirts. Put on a tank top and it's all over, though. Even still...I think I notice it much more than anyone else. No one has asked to touch it yet. Or just reached out and touched it. When that happens, I will know that I have truly arrived in Pretnant-town.

I Have My Moments

At work (school), I have my moments of calm, effectiveness, and (dare I say) occasional brilliance. And lately, my classes have been going really well. Things are all coming together in my fourth (yes, it has really taken that long) year of teaching middle school. Classes are running smoothly, the kids are actually writing when asked to...it's good.

But in the last week, I have had my moments.

There was the moment yesterday when the computer lab went haywire in the middle of my kids' quiz, and I went stomping down the hall, ranting about how it's "rediculous" and "shameful" that our computer lab is so woefully inadequate. Then there was the moment on Tuesday when the kids started pouring into my room after lunch a whole 6 minutes too early...and I used very large hand gestures while...ahem...suggesting to the cafeteria monitors that they call the kids back.

My mind is playing tricks on me. Tricks called "crazy." Can I blame this on pregnancy? Or am I just getting weirder as I get older / more comfortable at work? Please discuss.

I Took a Picture

My mom has been begging me, my dad asked last week, and my step-mom mentioned it this morning: Am I getting a baby bump?

I just have this fear, a superstition, really, that if I buy a pair of maternity pants, or say "I'm pregnant!" to too many people, or take a belly picture, or even open the boxes of baby paraphenalia stuffed in the back of the shed...

...I won't say it. You know what I'm feeling. I tell myself, "Just get to week 8 and you can buy a baby book." Then, "At week 12, I'll take a belly picture." And yet I don't do those things.

Little by little, I do. I took 'What to Expect...' out of the box in the shed. I took a picture and sent is just to my parents. I told one more person at work. I keep looking at my ultra-sound pictures, rubbing my belly, and looking things up on the internet...like what kind of cake I want at my shower. Little things...intangible things...things not touched by my superstition. Every week I become more confident, more excited, and more determined. For you and because of you, little baby, I am happier every day.

Best Day of My Life!

Can you tell that it was a good appointment? I was prepared to see a baby with a head today (as opposed to the lima bean from last time), but nothing could have prepared me for this...

In the first picture, you can't see his/her head, but it's a great "sitting on his butt" shot. That's an arm reaching up toward the top of the picture. In picture two, s/he lying on his/her back, butt in the air, and little hands showing up as armless (I promise they are there) spots it the darkness.

Our baby was jumping and kicking and playing with his/her hands. I thought we would be able to just see it move an arm slowly, but this was incredible! Little Tater Tot was so active! I can't seem to get Billy Madison out of my head, "He's gonna be a soccer player, yes he is!" (Lame, I know, but hilarious.) At one point, s/he even did a complete 360 and turned all the way around. It looked like a litte marionette on strings.

Whew. What a day. The best day. Ever.

Guess...What...I'm...Doing...Right...Now

Kegel exercises! I was totally doing them all through our staff meeting after school today.

I think that's enough to leave you with this evening. Wish me luck at our 12.5-week appointment tomorrow! Let's hear it for a heartbeat...

Nothin' Like Being Shamed by a 13-year old...

I teach middle school, in case you couldn't tell by my plethora of posts during the summer days...(now they will be less frequent).

Today, one of my past students came in to visit with me. We were chatting away and suddenly, she says, "You know, we were just talking in cross-country about you. We were like, 'why doesn't Mrs. S have any kids?'" She looked at me expectantly.

Gulp. So, I gave her the old "120 of you teenagers at a time is enough for me!" routine and that seemed to satisfy her. She did give me the benefit of the doubt, though, because she said that she defended my (childless) honor by saying that I'd have kids when I was ready. If only she knew I was ready three years ago...

I know that this is a silly reason (just one of about 1,001) for wanting to have kids of my own, but here it is: I want my students to be happy for me. I just know that they will love to come down from the HS when they watch their younger siblings' sports games and see my little baby. Is it weird to want to show off your offspring to other offspring?

Is Anyone Looking?

Ever since I didn't go to the coach's meeting three weeks ago (I usually coach 1-2 sports a year and am the head coach for at least one), everyone has been looking at me suspiciously. Dang it! I may have already blown my cover. They all know something is up. I keep denying it, but they keep eyeballing me.

It's okay. New Nurse (as opposed to my beloved old Nurse at my RE's office) said that I can have a heartbeat check at my next appointment (still not sure if that means an u/s - I suck at asking questions on the spot, but that sounded good enough). So, as long as everything is okay, I should be letting the cat out of the proverbial bag pretty soon here. Good thing...because none of my pants fit very well. I know that it still could be bloating, but it seems a little unlikely. Even in the early morning, before I get up, there's a definite rise in my mid-section when I lie down. Grow, baby, grow!

A few more weeks and then everyone can throw me a party. Oh yes, they will rejoice. I expect balloons. And cake. And then an even bigger baby shower later. Yeah...

But I Want it Nooowwww!

At the risk of sounding like a much older version of Veruca Salt, I called my doctor's office today. I want an ultra-sound before my scheduled 20-week appointment. Is that wrong?

The last u/s that I had was at 8.5 weeks. At that date, I made my next appointment for September 1st. I had assumed that I would have another u/s at that point. Wrong. There will be no ultrasound for another seven weeks. That's almost three months between ultrasounds!!! Isn't that a bit much?

How am I going to check on my tater tot? What is she going to do at this next appointment then? Just poke my belly and make me pee into a cup? I need photographic evidence that my baby is doing okay! (At least until it starts kicking my ribs.)

I don't mean to be a pain in the rear, and I don't mean to be demanding, but I did wait a very long time to get pregnant, and I did go through a lot, so I don't mind paying out-of-pocket for a little peace of mind. Will they do that?

I called to see if they could fit it in, and not I feel like I am the problem child of obstetrics. We'll see what they say when they call me back. If not, I'll get my daddy to buy me a new doctor. Wait, no, that was Veruca. I'll just find my own dang doctor.

No, You Don't Know

While at lunch the other day, a friend of mine accidentally "outed" me to two acquaintances. I guess she didn't know that I hadn't spilled the news to everyone yet. (I had told her because I ride horses with her and had to let her know why, during my longest break from work all year, I hadn't been over to ride all summer. I couldn't very well just say, "I just don't feel like riding this month. Or the next. Or the next seven after this.")

I didn't mind all that much, because my official "out" day is coming up very soon - September 1. I have my next u/s appointment, which will signal the end of my 12th week...so I figure I'm safe enough.

One woman said, "I'm so glad for you, because I know how hard you've worked for this." I was extremely grateful for the sentiment, and said so. But in my head, I was thinking, "No, you don't know how hard I worked for this. You never will." Will she ever know about the years of trying (and being disappointed) naturally? The awkward conversations with our family and husbands? The painful testing? The trips to the blood lab? The thousands of dollars of drugs? The nights lying awake wondering if I'd administered my drugs correctly? The canceled procedures that left us feeling hopeless?

Nobody who has gone through this will ever know what we've put up with. And I just wanted to stop for a moment and tell all of you: I am so proud of what you've done to make your dreams come true, whether they have or are about to. You are strong, resilient, courageous women (and men - our husbands are wonderful, too!) and I am so lucky to have your support throughout this time in my life. I heart you!

Whatever it is...it's hard to suck it in.

Some days my belly is bigger than others. So, unless my kumquat-sized baby is doing an impression of a puffer fish, I have to believe that it's mostly gas and bloating.

Sigh. I wish I really had a baby bump. Instead I just have a very slow intestinal tract.

Either way, it's hard to suck it in sometimes! Today, for instance, I arrived at work wearing a very loose dress (patterned, which seems to help) and I could still look down and see a little somethin' there. Ack! Even though it is just bloat, I am still pregnant, and I'm still not ready to let everyone know. So I'm trying very hard to slouch and suck in my gut.

Come on, Week 13...I need you. Sometimes I just can't suck hard enough.

10 Weeks!

Well, I've made it to 10 weeks and I have no news (good or bad) to report!

The only symptom that seems to hang around is my desire for certain foods. In early June it was salt, then it was cheese, and now I've been eating strawberries and eggs like they're going out of style! (Not together, mind you.)

I still have 2.5 weeks until my next OB appointment, which seems so far away. I wish they would give me one every two weeks until, oh, about week 28.

But as my friend tells me, "No bleeding, no spotting, no problem!" And I'm just going to go with that.

Google Info

There is no end to the strange things that I've Googled in my lifetime. My most recent query? I used the image search to look for photos of other women's bellies at 10 weeks. It seemed slightly voyeuristic and a little strange (especially considering some of the 15-year-olds who post their pregnant bellies), but I had to do it.

I just can't tell if I'm still bloated, have gained a little mid-section, or have a baby bump yet! I've seen a lot of conversations online about whether or not you can get a bump at 9.5 weeks, and the consensus seems to be that everyone is different.

I'm not going to lie - I have a belly. When I eat a substantial meal (like, only at dinner because it's so embarrassing), my belly grows to the size of a small watermelon. But not only am I still too nervous (about being pregnant at all) to take photos, but I also can't shake the feeling that my "belly" is less baby and more bloat. I have, after all, been perpetually bloated since...oh, about June.

I really can't wait to take the series of photos though. I think I'll start with 12 weeks - when I have my next u/s. (Everything always seems to hinge on my "next" u/s or appointment. They give me courage!)

Waking Up

I can remember a particular dream I had when I was little...

My mom had let us go shopping, and I had gone nuts at Mervyns. I bought clothes and shoes and things that I never could afford in real life. With my mountins of goods, I went home. I couldn't believe how lucky I was: All the kids at school would be so jealous of my new clothes and they would think I was the coolest kid ever! Placing them all carefully at the foot of my bed, I blissfully went to sleep.

And the next morning, I woke up. There was no mountain of clothing at the foot of my bed, not even a sock. I was devastated.

Over the last few days, I've been returning to my normal life. I get up, go to work, and do all the things I did before summer (and my newfound state) began. I've never been pregnant at work before. I've never sat at my desk, checked my staff mailbox, or decorated my classroom as a pregnant woman. It has lead to one thing...disbelief.

I wake up in the morning, get up, and have to remind myself that I really am pregnant. As life returns to normal, I suddenly expect the beautiful surprise of finding myself almost 10 weeks along to disappear, just like the mountain of clothing of my youth. But it is real. It is happening. And I'm trying to envision, every day, myself in a few months...waddling down the halls. This is one dream that I hope I never wake up from.