Sunday, September 26, 2010

It's Been a While...

I haven't written in such a long time. I like to tell myself that school keeps me busy, that I'm preoccupied with my students, and that infertility can take a backseat to life's little hassles. (Like keeping morale up at work so that everyone doesn't kill each other before the day is out. It really is true that when you put your efforts into curing someone else's misery, you take the focus off of your own.) But every once in a while I get a chance to come up for air, and I realize that I still feel as though something is missing from my life - children of my own.

When I'm busy with school, I am utterly surrounded by teaching. My days and nights are saturated with lesson plans, phone calls, grading, and internet searches. There is literally no time for pining. In fact, if I had to schedule a time for pining, it would have to be between the hours of 10:00 p.m. and 5:10 a.m., because that's when I'm free. Good luck. I even only just today got a chance to call my RE's office to ask about a series of tests that other women have been telling me about. (Um, progesterone and testosterone? What are those?) Please ignore the fact that I wasn't able to call back because I was in school and my phone went off during 3rd hour. It went to voice mail, though I briefly entertained the idea of taking the call and telling the kids to bugger off.
Even the students have begun to wonder about what's going on with my body clock. "Why don't you have any kids, Mrs. S?" they ask. "I can see you with a cute little blonde-haired boy, Mrs. S," said one yesterday. My heart breaks when they say these things. It's as if the whole world is conspiring to make me feel awful about not being able to have a baby. Regardless, I still like hanging out with them. I can only imagine that the pride I feel in some of these girls is magnified by 1,000 when it's your own kid. That feeling must be amazing. I hope everyone knows how lucky they really are.

I've pretty much put treatment on the back burner for now. There is no way I can juggle my life and trips to the doctor's office. Not to mention work has been an emotional vacuum this year so far. Everyone seems to be so unmotivated, frustrated, and grumpy all the time. Just call me Mary Sunshine, I feel that it's my job to bolster everyone up. My little secret? I don't do it for them; I do it for ME. When everyone around me is a lump of poo, I feel bad about my job. When everyone around me is happy, I don't feel like quitting to go back to waiting tables at Chili's (often). The choice is obvious. Plus, I love giving things to people and handing out praise. It's a fetish. Paying it forward makes me giddy. I feel as though I'm juggling, not just work, but:
  • making sure my team is emotionally stable

  • Picking up the slack that "someone's" vacancy has left on Student Council
  • Creating a new (again) curriculum

  • Becoming, generally, a better teacher

  • Trying (unsuccessfully) to become more organized

  • Being the self-appointed (someone has to do it) President of the Social Committee

  • Fighting an apathetic District for a District Writing Contest
  • And, oh yeah, babysitting 125 little darlings every day

It has already been an exhausting year, and we're not even to Fall Break yet. (Two more weeks, hurrah!)

I may be down, but I'm not out. I'm still trying to weed out bad diet habits - some die harder than others. I'm not eating any dairy products. (Okay, I cheated last week with my non-cheese enchilada and put a dollop of sour cream on it!) We're eating only organic eggs and meat. I haven't had a Coke in weeks, and I swallow about 6 different supplements each day (Omega mix, red raspberry, maca, multivitamin, folic acid, calcium). And I still take a wide berth around microwaves. You never know.