Thursday, October 28, 2010
I am going to be such a patient mom. I will explain the world to them with the calm, even voice of a teacher, and the heart of a mother. I'm not totally delusional - I know there will be days when I am tired, frustrated, and short with my kids. But, I will be acclimated to the rigors of dealing with dozens (if not hundreds) of questions a day. I'm waiting with bated breath to hear that one beautiful question that every two-year-old utters: "Why?"
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I know that this blog is not supposed to be about my work, but sometimes my work is what makes me feel productive and useful, despite being infertile. I've been excited about this new project at school and thought I would share with you, especially since a few of my followers (you're awesome!) are teachers, too.
There's nothing that I value more than the written word. It educates us, placates our sense of loneliness, and allows us to escape the oft-tedious milieu of our own lives. Through the written word we find solace, comfort, excitement, and inspiration. Thus, there's nothing that gives me more joy than inspiring my kids (my 128 darling students) to write. We are participating in the Young Writer's Program through NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November. Beginning on November 1st, my students are going to write (you guessed it) a novel. It's been a tough two weeks trying to get them interested and confident in the project. They worry that they won't be able to write enough (you only have to get about a half-page of writing done every day to reach 2,000 words by the end of the month) or write a brilliant story (which isn't the point, the point is to write a novel - be it good or terrible). But as of last Friday, my kids were excited, energetic, and raring to begin their opus. Nothing makes me more proud than to hear, "Mrs.S, can we go over our word count goal? Can we work on this at home? Can my parents buy a copy of my book when it's done?" Sigh. I love the sound of eager learning in the morning.
For those of you thinking that this would be fun, please check out www.ywp.nanowrimo.org and look at all the great resources that they have to offer teachers. And if you're interested in writing a novel yourself (hello? Bucket list material?), sign up for NaNoWriMo and write a 50,000-word novel by Novemeber 30th. We may not be able to procreate, but our experiences, imaginative journeys, and literary prowess are gifts worth giving.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sometimes I think that I use up all my good cheer and optimism throughout the week, and when I get a moment to relax, I have none left. I know that life isn't fair and all that, but today it just seems…obstinate. At some point, can't I just get what I want, already? My mother would call this pouting. I call it "time for a run."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
But the number one thing you should NOT do on a Saturday is hang out at a public park. Maybe it's the economy, maybe it's the weather, but I can tell you that just about everyone and their progeny hang out there. They're on the swings, in the trees, feeding the ducks…you are surrounded by kids. Sticky, dirty, giggly little humans with anonymous parents. You can almost see yourself calling out to one of them, watching them turn to you with a scraped knee, or pushing those funny little swings for babies. But alas, you sit on the outside of it all.
And then you get on your bike, ride away, and feel the wind on your forehead. You watch the sunlight cascade through the changing leaves, hear the rush of the water beside you, and feel your strong body propel you along the path. While it hurts at the moment, the ache in your heart recedes with every pedal. And you know…your time will come.
(Yes, I made that picture all by myself. Too much time off can be fun.)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
So sad. This month would have been perfect timing - just before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I might even have gotten to go home with the knowledge that I was pregnant, so that I could bear being around my sister and her gradually swelling belly. Another Christmas being barren. Joy to the world, indeed.
Nevertheless, at least now I know I can produce a good follicle or two. It is pretty hard to pick out decuplet names, anyhow. I was envisioning Katie, Kelly, Kameron, Kelsea, Kendra, Kevin, Kathy, Kora, Kara, and….Kermit. Sorry, Kermit.
Monday, October 11, 2010
As it turns out, I respond very well to Follistim, and now have about twice as many healthy follicles as one would like to see at CD10. She said that we will most likely have to cancel my upcoming IUI. I knew that this was a possibility, but I really thought they could control this better. I guess I was wrong. My very kind nurse was as compassionate as they come, reassuring me and telling me that things would be okay. (She is amazing, and I'm considering naming my first-born after her, even if it's a boy.) But she misunderstood my tears. She told me that they'd help me with the financial aspect, seeing as how we'd likely have to start all over again next month. (Oh, how a month can be so long when you're waiting…) I, however, could only think about the wasted time and the feeling of hopelessness that was suddenly washing over me like a cold shower. Hope may be powerful, but it quickly abandons you in tough situations.
Ever one to cover my emotions with humor, I told her that, "if you go ahead with this and I have 10 babies, I'll get a reality show and cut you in on the profits!" She didn't go for the idea, though I think that "Ash and Ben + 10" sounds like a real winner.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I accidentally let it slip that my husband and I were not going to Moab over fall break because we were, instead, going to go through another IUI procedure. (Sorry, '101 in 1001 List'.) You know that moment in a crowded room where you're indulging in a private conversation and the whole group suddenly becomes quiet - leaving everything you've said to hang in the air like a Shakespearean soliloquy? Well, that's what happened. From explaining to one person, I had to shift to explaining to everyone that I'd be going in this week for a "procedure". Yes, part of me thinks that they should just deal with it, much like I've dealt with their angst about divorces, ailing parents, and unruly offspring. The other part of me, however, instantly realized that my failure (should this round prove to be one) will be even more substantial when I have to repeat it to everyone in that room who asks me in two weeks "how I'm feeling", wink, wink. I love the words of encouragement that I receive when I let people know how hard this has been on me, but I don't want to hear the expressions of pity and astonishment when it doesn't go as planned. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. At the very least, my last RE appointment got me out of a 1/2 day of conferences. I'll take an ultra-sound wand over conferences any day.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Not only does running give me a natural "high" that I can't really explain (even if it is talked about in the fitness magazines), but it also gives me something to work for. In this time of uncertainty, running gives me a definite finish line. Sometimes, it even earns me a tangible reward. Last weekend was one of those times. After training for weeks, my friends and I ran a little 5K along the riverwalk in town, and we all PR'd like crazy. I even came in third in my age group (never you mind how many people were in my age group) and received a shiny bronze medal. It was the best reward that I've gotten in the past few months. I worked for it, I earned it, and now it's hanging from my rearview mirror. This is how the world should be: you plan, you work hard, and you earn the things you want. I wish my reproductive system had gotten that memo. Anyway, I may not be a mom, but I think I'm pretty darn awesome. And you are, too.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
I walked out of the office today with a baggie full of new drugs. I felt a little giddy - like the lucky recipient of a goodie bag from a birthday party. The bag was even Tiffany blue. Tucked inside were boxes upon boxes of nifty-sounding drugs and cool new syringes. I even got a bonus stash of alcohol swabs. What could be better? If this little goodie bag contains the magic ingredients to motherhood, I'm gonna carry it home and dive on in. Only an infertile could get this excited about a bag full of pills, needles, and vials. Well, an infertile or a hard-core addict. I'm glad I'm the former.
Update: Could never be addict. Just stuck myself with that needle (bigger than the Ovadril, thankyouvermuch) and decided to forswear any further activities that necessitate things that puncture my skin.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
- Emily Dickinson
Hello Blog World,
I need your help. Over the last few months, my husband and I have been wondering what our next step should be in our infertility journey. I've never been diagnosed with anything, and we've been TTC for about two and a half years now. I've previously been on Prometrium for three months, and we've gone through three IUI's (with no drugs save for a trigger 48 hours before insemination). I have very regular periods (sometimes light, but otherwise normal) at regular intervals. I don't experience any crazy cramping or discomfort. Due to my utter lack of symptoms, my RE thinks that we should go ahead with a gonadotropin IUI this month. I'm sceptical. I'm nervous. I'm going to go broke after three of these things.
DO THEY WORK? Does anyone know of someone who has had a baby as a result of an IUI? We're trying to figure out how many of these to do before we move on to IVF or adoption or surrogacy. I trust my RE only as far as I trust any medical professional, but I VALUE your imput even more.
I would really appreicate it if you could share your story / a story from someone you know. I need a little bit of reassurance that this is all going to be worth it...and not just a shot in the dark. I need a night-light!