To Come Out...Or Stay In?

Does it make me a hypocrite if I only want to come out of the IF closet AFTER I have kids?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of my infertility, nor do I think that it's any big secret at this point. (Everyone close to us knows that my husband and I want kids...I made that abundantly clear when we got married three years ago.) I'm just trying to figure out what good it would do me if I made it public. Unless someone is going to take pity on me and foot the bill for my IVF in June, I'm not really sure if posting my trials on Facebook is going to be beneficial.

People already tip-toe around the topic of babies and are pretty carefull not to make insensitive comments around me, even in jest. I guess we're all promoting "awareness" in our everyday life. Some days more than others...

The one reason I do want to get more involved in NIAW is this: Advocacy Day. I firmly believe that it is wrong for insurance companies to deny coverage to infertile women. I would like to fight that fight...eventually.

I will try to think of a myth to bust this week, though! And then maybe I will subtly post it on FB as a note or link. Sneaky me.

An Incongruous Juxtaposition

My dad and step-mom got back Tuesday from visiting my sister in Germany. She just had her second baby, and they were there to help around the house and take care of my two-year old niece. I was completely psyched for both of them, since neither of them have done much traveling. (Dad's trip to Vietnam in the 70's doesn't quite count.) They got to run (literally, they are marathon runners) around the countryside, eat delicious German food, and spend time with their grandkids. I am so happy that they did.

But...(there always is one, isn't there?), it did feel a little weird that, while my sister is enjoying time with her new baby boy, I am trying to wrap my head around my upcoming IVF. While she was in labor, I was spending time getting my own brand of ultra-sound. While she spent her first nights with her son, I contemplated how my husband and I are going to finance the $12,500 that it's going to cost to TRY to have a baby.

My aunt tells me that this is called an "incongruous juxtaposition" - when two people are having opposite experiences at the same time. And it's not just limited to me, of course. I was reading a letter from a soldier in Afghanistan to my kids on Friday, wherein he told my studnets about the schools / schoolkids in that country. They sit on carpets on the ground. They walk miles to school in difficult areas just so they can attend. They often don't have any paper or pencils. Their schools are neither heated nor cooled.

We whine when our free school breakfast program gives us cereal for breakfast instead of an egg and sausage sandwich. They have nothing; we have everything.

I wish there was a way to equalize these situations. I wish. I am thankful that I have the means to overcome mine, though. And perhaps this experience will help me to realize what I have too much of...and what I could give to others.

'S' is for Super, Right?

I took the whole day off today. That's right: when I have more than three instruments being shoved in my hoo-ha per day, I give myself a break.

Today I went in for my fluid contrast ultrasound (hysterosonogram) and a trial embryo transfer. Both were equally scary to begin with, but ultimately pretty painless and simple. The most discomfort I had was due to the fact that I have an S-shaped uterus and things were a little...ahem...tricky. Mr. Doctor had a little trouble getting the catheter into my uterus because there was a hairpin turn in there somewhere. That means that during the actual embryo transfer, they're going to have to put a stitch (a what?!) in my cervix to give them something to "tug" (again, what?!) on in order to straighten things out for a straight shot to my uterus. Whoa, man.

The good news is that my FCUS showed a perfectly clear uterine cavity. No polyps, no strange abnormalities. Hooray!

As usual, my RN was amazing and wonderful. She answered all of my questions and was very candid about the whole upcoming process. I love her. Seriously, when she gets me pregnant, I'm going to buy her dinner...and a movie...and a double-scoop ice cream. Somehow that sounds so weird, and backwards...

Step three: Check. Moving on.

So We Meet Again, Birth Control...

Infertility is nothing but one long running joke. I picked up my birth control pills this weekend...that's right, I said birth control pills. I haven't had to remember to take one of these babies since, oh, 2008. The irony of going on "the pill" now that I am desperate to get pregnant is not lost on me. I remember when I finished my last pack, six months before we got married, in preparation for starting our family. I asked my doctor when I should stop, and she said that giving my body about six months to become 'regular' before trying would be perfect. Perfect. (Sigh.)

On Saturday night, I almost forgot to take my pill, at which point I chastised my husband for failing to remind me.

"You better be careful," I said, "you could get me knocked up!"
"Yikes," he replied, "I better be more careful. What would your dad say?"

It was a funny moment that only a three-years infertile couple could have. Keep the humor alive.

Scared As Hell

I had my first IVF appointment today, wherein in recieved not one, but TWO ultrasounds (they forgot to do the antral follicle count on the first one), a FSH blood test, and a gigantic binder with a lot of scary forms and confusing information in it.
Holy crap. This is not like an IUI. This is going to be a thousand times more difficult, time-intensive, and expensive. Twelve THOUSAND dollars? You are talking to a girl who has a hard time buying anything at the Goodwill over $3.99...and you want me to pay $12,000? That's a lot of zeros!!!

I was extremely overwhelmed at the RE's office today. Maybe it was because they were busy and seemed rushed, or maybe it's because I simply did not do enough homework. Sometimes I can't tell if I ignore facts just long enough to convince myself to do something (and then be forced into seeing it though), or if I am just plain stupid. I did not really realize how different this was going to be. This isn't just another step...this is a leap.

Welcome to the Party, AF, I've Been Waiting for You...

Step two: Check! I started my cycle today and called my RE's office to schedule my Day 2 FSH test. (Deep breath.) Oh man, this is really happening. All I needed was for AF to show up, and she did…two days early. Next I go in for some bloodwork, start my birth control pills, and dive into a long list of US's and
drugs. I'm ready.

On a side note: I had a complete meltdown at work today after a particularly frustrating professional development meeting. (Are they EVER productive?) One of my co-workers, who is so supportive and kind, stayed back to see if I was okay (even though I thought I was hiding it well), and I just lost it. Cue the waterworks, runny mascara and all.

I really hope everyone has someone they can cry to on these days. Getting it all out - the nerves, the disappointment, the anticipation - was so therapeutic. I'm glad I held it together through the day just to lose it when one person asked. Now that that's over, I'm ready to move on.

Here's to taking another step in the journey toward parenthood!

Step One: Check

Little steps can mean some big things. Usually, I can tell that something big is about to happen when I hear myself talking about it. That's right - I hear MYSELF talking. It's almost as though I tell people that something is happening and then I am pretty much forced to follow through.

Well, we are begining the IVF process. Did you hear that?

Today I went and had my blood drawn for all kinds...and I do mean ALL KINDS (there were eight different sample vials) of blood tests. Plus a urine sample (thought I'd throw that in for extra street cred.) This is step one. There are many more to go, but I am happy to be on the road to giving this whole thing a try. It's time. 'Cause I am tired of taking photos of other people's babies!


Hey, did you know that National Infertility Awareness Week is happening soon? Well, I didn't know that it even existed, so I'm going to check the inter-webs for what I can do to support the cause.