Sometimes We Do Things So That People Don't Know that We Don't Want to Do Them

"I know why you denied my sister. When I was younger... you used to hold my arm when I walked. Then suddenly you stopped. One day, I even tripped in your presence and nearly fell. I was faking, of course, but still you did not hold me. Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."
-Ivy Walker, "The Village"

I love this quote from 'The Village'. I think that the opposite is also true - sometimes we do things just to cover up the fact that we don't want to do them. Here's a good example:

My sister is pregnant. I am pissed. The grandparents are ecstatic. I am bitter. And so the paradoxical emotions dance around my sister's delightful news. (I knew it was coming.) I wasn't able to make it to my sister's first baby shower (dude, it was the last week of school - you can't miss that, even if you're dying), so I know that I need to start saving money for the second one. When you're the infertile older sister, you know that everyone else knows that you're disappointed. But, to keep up appearances, you have to continue to smile, coo, and complement. Last time my sister had a baby, I designed the announcements. I love doing things like that, and I wanted everyone to know that I was fine with her having a baby and me only having dogs. I can tell you, though, that the last thing in the world I'd like to be doing right now is designing an announcement for someone else. I should be doing it for myself. That should be my name on the paper, my baby's face in the picture. But it's not. This time, I'm going to have to up the ante. It's time to whip out the sewing machine and hand make some adorable baby goodies. Put extra effort into it. Make sure everyone knows that you're well-adjusted. Don't let on that you're dying inside. Suppress the longing in your heart that won't let you go a day without wondering what your future holds. Find the strength to hold on to hope, even while you're holding evidence in your arms that you are different.