The Difference

I have had to hear, at different times over the last three years, that many of my friends, relatives, and acquaintances are pregnant. It almost always irks me because I am jealous and insanely frustrated. I think that's understandable. I don't ask them to understand my feelings, I just don't have to respond.

Here's my golden rule: If you want me to care about your pregnancy, you have to care about me not being pregnant.

That is to say: if you haven't contacted, talked to, or given a shit about me in the last year, it isn't necessarily polite to call me up out of the blue (or email me) to let me know that you're pregnant. (Especially with your second child.) This is especially true if you know that I have been struggling with infertility for the last three years.

But if you've shared in my pain over these tortuous times, I will gladly share in your joy during this one.

I got an email the other day from a woman I haven't really talked to much over the last few years. I haven't even seen her for I don't know how long. I don’t' really know what's going on in her life, I've never been to her house, and I couldn't even tell you where she works at the moment. In fact, it's the only email I've gotten from her in the last three years.  I doubt she knows very much about me past what I post on Facebook. (I might know more about her, but I've blocked her along with all my other pregnant or were-pregnant friends.) Why did she send me this? I'm sure I'd find out through the grapevine that she was pregnant…just like she would find out through the grapevine if I had died a tragic death from inhaling flames from the torch I was using while performing my new circus act. Because she wouldn't know if I was doing any of those things - she doesn't check in / care about me in the least! It annoyed me to the point of tears. She doesn't even care enough about me to consider my feelings about an impersonal email rubbing in my infertility.

But when good friends, who have supported and loved me through this difficulty, become pregnant...that's a different story. My friends out in California are also pregnant, and my friend (who is going to be a daddy for the first time) told me through a Facebook chat conversation. You'd think that that was an equally impersonal way to let me know, but here's the difference: It's not the only chat we've had in the last 365 days. We chat now and again all the time. They have been good friends over the years. They have always come to visit when they are near. We go out to dinner with them if we can, and they always listen sympathetically when I talk about what's been happening. (Even if they don't offer to tackle a dad so I can steal his baby while the mom isn't looking. That still being a good friend; I forgive them.) So when I hear that they are having a baby, I am still jealous, but I'm willing to overlook it because they care about me, and I (in turn) care about them, too!

This whole thing saddens me a little, because there are people to whom I should be close and buy little baby presents for…that I don't. I haven't even sent a card to my sister, who had her 2nd baby in February. She never calls me to see how I am, so why should I call her? And I frankly don't mind if she doesn't care about what's going on with me, but I surely don't want to be bothered (or guilted into) paying special attention to her, either. I know it sounds crass, selfish, and mean, but I simply don't care anymore. I have a lot on my plate, and I'm going to do whatever I can to get through it intact. I don't need anyone else (since I've never had anyone but my husband and my mom to help me) to lean on. I can do this on my own. And if anyone wants to be happy for me in the end, they can, but I won't expect it. I won't need anyone else's happiness when I finally get my baby - I will have all the happiness I need.

With that said: Thank you to those of you who have left comments for me or followed me, even through my long silences. It means so much to know that I'm not alone, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, I appreciate your comeraderie. You're awesome.