No, You Don't Know

While at lunch the other day, a friend of mine accidentally "outed" me to two acquaintances. I guess she didn't know that I hadn't spilled the news to everyone yet. (I had told her because I ride horses with her and had to let her know why, during my longest break from work all year, I hadn't been over to ride all summer. I couldn't very well just say, "I just don't feel like riding this month. Or the next. Or the next seven after this.")

I didn't mind all that much, because my official "out" day is coming up very soon - September 1. I have my next u/s appointment, which will signal the end of my 12th week...so I figure I'm safe enough.

One woman said, "I'm so glad for you, because I know how hard you've worked for this." I was extremely grateful for the sentiment, and said so. But in my head, I was thinking, "No, you don't know how hard I worked for this. You never will." Will she ever know about the years of trying (and being disappointed) naturally? The awkward conversations with our family and husbands? The painful testing? The trips to the blood lab? The thousands of dollars of drugs? The nights lying awake wondering if I'd administered my drugs correctly? The canceled procedures that left us feeling hopeless?

Nobody who has gone through this will ever know what we've put up with. And I just wanted to stop for a moment and tell all of you: I am so proud of what you've done to make your dreams come true, whether they have or are about to. You are strong, resilient, courageous women (and men - our husbands are wonderful, too!) and I am so lucky to have your support throughout this time in my life. I heart you!