The Time is Now

Please cross your fingers for me. My 5th IUI is scheduled for tomorrow. I am beside myself with anxiety, but trying to remain positive and calm. Please let this work, I'd give anything...

Please, please, please work...

I finally have a date! (That statement is oddly reminiscent of myself in high school.) Tuesday will be my big day - IUI #5. I know this one is going to work, though, so never you mind that it's the fifth one. I went in today for my check-up and got to see a picture of my lead follicle - it's big and happy and ready to be fertilized! If this all works out, I will get to brag that I got to see my baby before it was even a baby. Yeah, pregnant women, how many of you can say that?

My doctor was very pleased with my follicle and my lining, and said that it even had a buddy - a "backup" if you will. That's cool. I'll take one big and one medium egg over 15 gigantic eggs any time. Well, except in January, when we do the IVF if this doesn't work out… then I'll want enough eggs to fill an Easter basket.

In any case, this week I'm thankful for REs and nurses who come in on the weekend, little follicles that hang in there, and a husband who understands that "no means no" when you're abstaining for an IUI. He's such a good boy.

My List

Infertility is like a supervillain. It has the unique power to make one feel useless. Normally confident, intelligent, energetic women are rendered frustrated, downtrodden, and mopey by Intfertility's pernicious influence. It can defeat you by making you feel unproductive. One weapon against Infertility is work: work, work, work. Unfortunately, it has an evil henchman called "The Weekend", when you have lots of time to think about what you're NOT doing...

I have found a way to combat Infertility: the 101 in 1,001 List. If you haven't made one - you totally SHOULD! As you check things off the list, it makes you feel like you've accomplished something worthy and important. Sure, it's not the "one" thing that you want to accomplish, but it's still worthwhile!

Today, I got to check off: Take a crochet lesson. My little town doesn't have much, but there happen to be a plethora of retired women who will do just about anything for $25. So, I spent 2 hours today learning how to do a fancy crochet stitch. My goal is to make my sister's new baby (due in May) a baby blanket. My grandmother used to make them for all of us, and she passed away about 8 years ago, so I'm picking up where she left off. Plus, it will give me something to do on our 18-hour drive out to Cali in December. You can only listen to so many books on tape…

Get on Day Zero Projectand make a list of your own! You can even look at my list for ideas if you want: my username is ashleeneva. What will you do today?

Waiting is for Weenies

Ugh. My 25 IU of Follistim have resulted in three pretty good-looking follicles. The smaller ones (all six of them) have seemed to stop growing, which is good. (Farewell, eggs, we never knew you…) But my RE thinks that we won't be on until Wednesday of next week for an IUI. Doesn't that seem a little long? It'll be CD17…is that odd? How can I not know the answers to these questions? (I am a complete idiot while in the exam room -it's like a vortex of self-awareness. I can never think of my questions until I'm a good 20 miles from there. Maybe it's the fact that I’m usually not wearing any pants that renders me quite speechless. I may never know.) Why is this so hard? With all that nature and science can do (both in tandem and of their own accord), why can't they just make this happen? I guess the miracles of life aren't called that because they're easy.

So it's back to waiting, injecting, and feeling generally pretty useless. Maybe I'll cook something. If I can't provide my husband with a child, at least I can make a delicious batch of green chili, right? Right?!

Suspicions Confirmed: I Am an 18-Year-Old Stuck in a 30-Year-Old Body

So, I was rocking out to Taio Cruz's "Dynamite" (can't get enough of it), and I was thinking to myself, "Self, aren't you a little old to love this song? Should you really be thinking about putting on a cute little dress, a hot pair of peep-toe platforms and getting down in the club?" Most of the time, I tell myself to shut up and keep running (it's my favorite song on my running playlist), but sometimes, I think that I am, in fact, an 18 year-old stuck in a 30 year-old body.

Today, my RE offered scientific evidence of this fact: I produce eggs like a teenager. Seriously. Last time they started me on 125 IU, I produced so many follicles I thought my RE was going to call the Guinness Book. This time, she started me on the dubious amount of only 50 IU. When I went in for my appointment today, she looked wide-eyed at the screen and said, "How old are you again?" I replied, "Um, thirty." "Wow," she replied, "it looks like you're 18." (And she wasn't talking about my baby face. Although the medication does make me break out like a pre-pubescent version of myself.)

I'm not in danger of being Octomom again this time, though I'm still producing a few too many. So, she backed me off to 25 IU of Follistim, which is, she said, the lowest dose possible. It's practically non-existent. At least I'm saving a bit of money on the drugs. Bonus! Next appointment is Wednesday, and the IUI should be Saturday. What are my Thanksgiving plans, you ask? I'm getting knocked up artificial style.

It's what the holidays are all about.

Um...I Think I Just 'Outed' Myself

For the most part, I've kept my infertility issues between me, my husband, and a few close friends / family members. I have not talked about it publicly, and I certainly haven't ever posted anything on something as communal as Facebook. Until today. A "friend of a friend" posted this message on her status: can i get an 'amen' for all those who think pregnancy blows?!. (I'll even overlook the sad grammar and juvenile use of profanity.) Then, my sister, of all people, replies with the first wholehearted: Amen!!!. My sister! This is the sister that I get to see over the holidays, the one that I'm supposed to fawn over, congratulate, and smile with. And she thinks that pregnancy "blows"? You know what blows? INFERTILITY!

I have never begrudged those who are pregnant their joy and happiness. Posts that celebrate motherhood don't bother me - heck, if it weren't for motherhood, I wouldn't be here. I have been envious, sure, but have never said that they don't have the right to be excited. When they take that joy for granted, though, I take umbrage. I know that her comment was not meant for me, but I had to wonder how many of this woman's friends are struggling with infertility, and how much that comment may have hurt them. And the fact that my own sister, who should know at least a little bit about the pain of infertility and how lucky she truly is, was the first person to respond…it made me so sad and angry. I thought for a long time about how I wanted to respond. I came up with this:

There is nothing worse than wanting something with your whole heart and then having to listen to those who have it, complain about it. If they only knew…

I thought it was pretty decent. It conveyed some of my emotions: disappointment, sadness, vulnerability, longing…and yet did not accuse anyone or point fingers directly.

I got a wealth of responses, not only from my friends, but from other women I'm not particularly close to who have been effected by infertility. They offered the one thing that they knew could help - virtual hugs. They know that there are no words that can ease this brand of hurt.

It feels good to be out - people should be reminded every once in a while of how damn lucky they are. And they also need to know that there are appropriate channels for their whining - and a public forum like Facebook is not necessarily the place. (It would be like me whining that "having a loving husband is soooo time consuming" to all of my single friends. Cry me a river, they'd say.

It is good to know, though, that I have the support that I do. This week, I'm going to need it. Every finger should be crossed...and toes, too.

(The photo is of sweet pea blossoms, which are some of the sweetest-smelling flowers in all the world. You should plant some.)

Strenght in Numbers - Yeah!

If there's strength in numbers, November is going to be a banner month. Just when I'm feeling very alone in this battle, I get some comments and emails from some fantastic women who are going through the same things. I have to say: I am very encouraged by the rash of IUI-induced pregnancies that I've been reading about lately. (Congratulations, Oak, I'm so excited for you - you give me hope!) And while I'm beginning my fourth IUI (second on gonadatropins), I am in good company. Tishi and H.C. Bishop are going to be / have gotten some syringe lovin' lately, too. I have my fingers crossed for all of us! Send good luck to Micruber with her IVF, too! I hope you don't mind me posing some links to your blogs, gals, but your words and your dedication to blogging has given me strength, and I want to keep it going!