That's Right, I'm HOT!

It gets pretty hot here in the summertime - usually around 97 on a good day. Since I am home every day (ahh, the joys of being a teacher), I am subject to whatever temperature it gets. Oh, and I should mention that we've never installed a cooler in our 100+ year-old house. In past summers, I've been just fine. I open the windows in the morning and then close them up when the temp heats up.

Oh, not this summer. After breaking down one day as I was putting cool wash cloths on my face and neck, I told my husband that the heat was literally unbearable. I made him put in a swamp cooler. Life has never been better! Now I can run that baby in the afternoons and the house gets down to a manageable temperature.

Just last night, my husband finally said, "You get hot really easily." Gee, darling, fter six years of not minding the heat, do you think that this summer is a little different for a reason? Is it me, or does pregnancy make you increasingly suseptable to heat? Don't we still technically have a fever of sorts?

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of my dog, doing what we do best this summer - taking a nap. She's hilarious.

Feeling Achey

Somehow, it feels different from cramps. It may be lower, even. But I am re-telling myself what my nurse told me on Monday: I will feel cramps and maybe even an occasional pain in my abdominal area. It's okay - my uterus is stretching and my little bean sprout is growing...hopefully a head. And arms. Those are essential.

For the first time (it only took three full weeks), I think I have finally accepted that I am pregnant. The ultra-sound helped a lot, as did my doctor's insistance that I have just as good a chance as any woman to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I think I might just be pregnant after all. Now if I could fast-forward time to week, say, 28...that would be great.  :)

What is this, college?

I live in a small town...have I mentioned that? Of the three OBG/GYNs in town, one I have been to and dislike, the other relies on the previous doctor to deliver when he's not available, and the third is new and no one knows anything about her. Sigh. So I've been calling around in the biggest nearby town to try and find a doctor that will see me.

In the first call, to a clinic that has two DOs, I was asked to submit my records for review, and if they accepted me, they'd call me back. What? Do you want me to write an essay explaining why I'd be a good patient? How about I come in for a try-out, wherein I demonstrate my excellent breathing technique and physical strengh?

The next clinic's receptionist said that she'd have to "check with the doctor" to see if she'd want to see me, considering I was an IVF patient. I feel like a leper. Ooh, IVF? I don't know...your baby might have two heads or something...

I want to stay with my current doctor and my lovely, kind, sweet nurse. I love them and they love me. But I suppose, since they love me, they have to set me free...boo.

The Most Beautiful Thing I've Ever Seen...

...is this little picture right here. I went in for my 6-week ultra-sound on Monday, and this is what I got. A heartbeat.

I was so nervous to go in, because my symptoms (what few there were) seem to be subsiding a little bit. My chest is not as sore (though still about a size and half bigger), though I have been really tired and bloated again.

Nevertheless, as I lay on the table and stared at the screen, this little gem of a blip showed up and, low and behold, a little flashing white dot that was a strong, beautiful, amazing 150bpm heartbeat. That's my baby. She/he's as big as a pencil eraser, but larger than life on that monitor.

Darn you, internet doctor!

Of course I am all over the internet these days, looking for websites that will tell me that my appointment on Monday is going to be fine, even though I don't seem to have any preggo symptoms.

Then I came accross an article on What to Expet that had this little gem of a quote for their 'Week 6' appraisal:

Nausea and vomiting: Whether you are experiencing slight queasiness or hurling breakfast, lunch, or dinner (or all three), look on the bright side. (Though admittedly it’s hard to look at the bright side when your view is the porcelain goddess!) Women who experience some nausea are significantly less likely to miscarry than those who don’t.

Well, that's just great. No only am I not necessarily craving anything, but I'm not even disgusted by anything! I know, I know, not every website is a paragon of factuality...my mom says that she never had nausea, and she had three perfectly wonderful pregnancies.

I am at six weeks today. My boobs are still fairly big, but no real "veins" or serious changes. I did feel a little tired today, but that might come with the "I've-been-avoiding-strenuous-activity-because-I'm-petrefied-that-anything-could-shake-loose-my-baby" lifestyle I've been living. Less activity actually makes me more tired. I need my runner's high back! Don't worry, I'm not going to go running just yet...

...but I am going to stop reading articles online. I'll stick to the info that I get from my checkups. The next one is on Monday and the wait is killing me! Come on, little baby...let's hear that heartbeat.

I am Boring

It's true!

Of the few women who know, so many of them keep asking me, "How do you feel?" I don't feel pregnant, if that's what you mean. I feel very, very normal.

I know you're all tired of hearing me say this, and I'm tired of saying it: but I wish I could have some symptoms! I'm at 5w2d, and I feel like I could go for a run this morning. No cramping. No cravings. No nausea. Nothing.

It's torture that I don't go in until the 18th (another week) for an ultra-sound. Torture, I tell you!

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

First Purchase

Because I am so nervous / cautious about this pregnancy, I don't really want to buy anything pregnancy-related until a few more weeks into it. No books, no baby stuff, no parenting magazines, etc.

But I had to cave in and buy one thing: a new bra. My girls were suffering! Even my sports bras were cinching my sore chest so badly that I had to take a trip to the Wal-Mart. It was worth it!

I still don't have any other real symptoms - no aversions to food or serious cravings (other than salt). But I figure that my hCG is still relatively low, so I guess it's okay.

Oddly enough, even though I am still having a hard time accepting my "condition", I had to tell quite a few people about it. Though I know most women don't reveal their pregnancies until about month three or four, my family all knew that I was going through with the IVF last month, and therefore knew that I would have "news" of some sort. My parents know, as do siblings. I even had to tell a friend, because she happened to be in town (from three states away) the day after my transfer, and you can't really make that many excuses for lying flat on your back for 48 hours. "I'd love to go whitewater rafting, dear friend, but I really want to watch this 'Trading Spaces' marathon for two days!" It just doesn't work.

The hardest part about everyone knowing is remaining calm. I want to be excited, but I think everyone has a hard time understanding why I'm so tentative. I will feel better after a few weeks (like 35), but right now I just want to lay low and get through each little milestone. I can't even talk about borrowing your maternity clothes, twice-pregnant sister! Someone told me that "everyone feels nervous" during the first few months, but I can't help but think that we infertiles are extremely nervous. And we have a psycholgical right to be: For months or years on end, we've borne disappointment after disappointment, and we are conditioned to expect the worst. Every day, I wake up thinking that I am another day pregnant...even hour to hour. I am slowly begining to re-train myself to accept this new miracle: good news. It's foreign to me, but I'm begining to like it.

Ask the Experts...

...can you tell how nervous someone is by how many questions they ask?

I had my second beta test today, which was 4 days after my Thursday test, thanks to the weekend. The nurse said my numbers looked "really good" - 603. Doest that seem low to anyone? I thought they were supposed to double every day. Thursday was 101, Friday should have been roughly 200, Saturday 400, Sunday 800 and today about 1,60. No? Yes? I'm gonna have to Google this...

I swear I do sometimes ask my nurses and doctors questions. I was just a little surprised at the number and didn't want to ask because I was driving. (I am not one of those people who can talk and drive - disaster can result.) But when I called back, they didn't answer because (technically) they're all on holiday; I think just one or two people were in the office to do bloodwork.

Sigh. Somebody please reassure me that a 13dp5dt hCG number of 603 is okay. Please! (And then, I swear I will call my RE tomorrow and have her explain the whole thing to me.)

Okay, I just answered my own question. Turns out it doubles every 48-72 hours...not every day. Whew! So I'm right on track, it seems. I found my answers here: hCG Level in Early Pregnancy.

Pinch Me.

It still doesn't feel completely real.

Maybe I'll go out and buy a (brand new) HPT and give myself the satisfaction of seeing those two pink lines.

I still don't really feel much different. Every once in a while my uterus makes itself known - not really a "cramp", but something like it. My chest is still sore, but no identifiable changes as yet.

I really just want to wake up one morning and feel full-blown morning sickness. I think then I will truly feel pregnant. That and I'd like my boobs to grow another cup size. (I've been wanting that to happen for a loooong time.) Maybe then I'll really feel pregnant.

I will admit to you, because you won't tell anyone, that I am one of those crazy people who started collecting baby paraphanelia about 6 months before we started trying (in 2008). Therefore, I have a box of books, baby clothes, and toys in my shed that have never seen the light of day. Today, for the first time in three years, I took out the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". And for the first time ever, I got to move past 'Chapter 1 - Are You Pregnant?'. Because, dang it, I AM pregnant. I also bought a real bottle of Prenatal vitamins at the store yesterday. (Don't worry, I've been taking a women's multivitamin with folic acid and vitamin D suplements up to this point. My doctor said that was fine.) But it felt so good to go to the register and buy something that pregnant women buy.

I am excited and trying not to be nervous. Every other "normal" woman gets to be excited as soon as she sees the pink lines...and I deserve that, too.

Thank you all for your congrats...I'm excited for myself and for the other ladies who have gotten their good news this month, too.

I Cheated...and Cheaters Never Prosper

Last night I took a pregnancy test that had been sitting in my cabinet for a while. I knew that you should usually test in the morning, and that the test might be old, but I did it anyway so that I could prepare myself for this morning. As I was waiting for the stick to turn colors, I yelled at it: "I know what you're going to say, so just say it." It was negative.

So this morning, when I went to get my blood drawn, I was not overly excited. I was sure that my lack of symptoms, coupled with the negative HPT, would spell failure. I left feeling tired and cranky.

An hour later, my favorite nurse called me back.
"Hey Ashlee, how are you?"

"I'm okay. How are you doing?"

"Good, thanks. Now, I hear that you took a HPT last night and it came out negative?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Well, you need to buy a new pregnancy test, because it was wrong. You are pregnant."

I am pregnant. My HcG was 101, and anything over 5 is considered "pregnant". It's not high enough to be twins (probably), but it's a very strong number for one tiny little baby.

I am not going to be "cautiously optimistic". I am going to be overjoyed. I am goig to revel in every aspect, every minute, of the next nine months until I'm holding my first child in my arms. This is the day we've been waiting three years for, and we deserve it.

Here's hoping that everyone else who had a June IVF is going to get the same result. Horray for March babies!

5 Days Past...

Well, it's day 5 of my 1.5ww, and there's not much new to report.

My belly has finally gone back to almost-normal, which is nice. I've also been having a little bit of cramping over the last two days, and I don't know what to think about that. Good sign? Bad sign? Hard to tell. I really wish I could have a definitive sign either way...

You know what else is hard to tell? What kind of care I'm getting at my RE. I've noticed that some women get bloodwork done after their retrieval...I didn't. Is that bad? I have no idea what my hormones where doing the day after my little embryos were taken. I was put on Doxycyclne and Methylpred for a few days after, then started progesterone suppositories and an estradol patch...but no bloodwork. Is this wrong?

I am by nature not a very detail-oriented person. I tend to just go with the flow and trust the people around me to do what is right. But should I have been under more supervision over this last week? How did my RE know that the transfer would be a success even if she's not monitoring my hormone levels? Does it matter? Do I have a penchant for asking questions when it's really too late to matter?

Hmmmm.

Just Chillin'

I don't feel a thing. No cramps, no nothin'. I guess that's good, right? I don't exactly want to be cramping and uncomfortable while I'm sitting on the couch eating bon-bons. Okay, I'm not really eating bon-bons...more like a steady diet of protiens (yay for eggs!), V8, and Gatorade.

It's so frustrating not to have an immediate sign! I wish there were a little light that turned on, a feeling you get, or a change in something that could tell me if this worked or not. The more I hear, however, the more I realize that my test, on June 30th, will likely be the first confirmation that I have that this all worked out. Some women get sick after a few days, some don't feel any symptoms until their fourth week!

Sigh. Why are we all different? Why couldn't bodies be the same? Oh yeah, because then I woudln't need IVF in the first place.

Thank goodness for Netflix.

So Many Things...

Yesterday was the transfer!

On Sunday, we had 8 little fellas who looked "very good" for a day-5 transfer, according to the embryologist, which sounded good to me. With this in mind, I thought we'd have a few to freeze. But yesterday when we went in, we had two to put in and only one to freeze. One?! I started with 25 eggs and only one will be left to freeze? I wish she hadn't told me that, because my mood instantly changed. I have given up trying to explain how my mind works when I'm on several different kinds of hormones, but I can tell you that I would have been much happier if she would have said at least two or three.

In any case, we had an A/B+ embryo and a B+/A to put in yesterday, and I've been hanging out on the couch ever since. I've had NO cramping, which I guess is good news, just still pretty bloated from the retrieval.

I hope everything is going well down there, but it's so hard to imagine this working. What is with my mood? I should be overjoyed that everything went well and optimistic about the two little embryos in my belly right now! Sigh. I blame it on the drugs. Evil drugs.

2 Days After Retrieval

Almost forgot to do my patch yesterday (Vivelle), but stuck it on in the nick of time. And today I was lucky enough to start my progesterone suppositories. Oh, joy!

But the real good news is that 17 of my little buddies made it 'till today, and 7 of them are strong enough to go for a day 5 transfer! Hooray! I don't know why I don't do a lot of research about each step of the way...sometimes I think that I obsess over every detail if I know it, so I just leave it to my RE. I do, however, know that a blast transfer (when the embryos have made it to the blastocyst stage) could possibly give me a better chance at concieving..and not having quadruplets. I guess the jury is still out on this, but the stats seem good, so I'm going with it.

I've also been dealing with my large belly, and V8 juice and Gatorade seem to be doing great. NO SODA...made that mistake yesterday. Oops - giant belly. Watermelon-sized.

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend...I'll be taking a few days of from appointments (yay, no drive!) and head up to Denver again on Tuesday. Keeping those fingers crossed!

My Eggs are A-Mazing!

Out of my 25 harvested eggs, 19 of them fertilized!

My embryologist said that that was "fantastic", so I am overjoyed.

They tentatively set me up for a Sunday transfer, but it's probably going to be on Tuesday. It just depends on how many of those little darlings (they'd like 6+) decide to be spectacular and make it to a 5-day transfer. Come on, little guys, go!

I feel great today. Just a little sore in the ovaries, but very bloated. I feel like I am already walking like a pregnant woman (waddle, waddle) and have the belly to match. I'll just pretend that I'm practicing.

We'll see what tomorrow brings...

Whoa, What a Day

Twenty-five eggs! I am so happy!!! The toughest stage is over with - the dreaded retrieval.

Here's how it all went down:

We woke up at 3:30 a.m. to leave for Denver at 4:00, and we got to the hospital right on time. (I usually go to a satellite office for my visits - this was the first time I'd been to the "real" offices.) I was nervous but very excited.

We waited for a few minutes before we (mom and husband were with me) were led into the pre-op room, where I changed into a fashionable gown and socks. I met all of the folks who would be helping me that day, probably about 10 of them, and then we got down to business. I got an IV, said goodby to mom and hubby, and then was wheeled into the op room. I remember lying on the table, putting my feet in the cradles, having someone put oxygen in my nose, and my anesthesiologist telling me she'd given me some "happy juice".

A doctor came in and asked "why I was there" (everyone asked that, just to make sure), and because I'd already answered it four times, I decided to say "for liposuction" just to see if I could get a laugh. As I drifted off into La La Land, I heard someone say, "Enjoy your liposuction." And that was it.

I woke up in a gourney where my mom and husband were sitting beside me. The nurse said that I had woken up a half-hour earlier, but I wanted to sleep. (Could that be the early wake-up call?) I jumped over to regular bed and started sipping ginger ale. I felt great. I couldn't stop saying how happy I was, and before I knew it there was a box of Kleenex on my lap, but I didnt' know how it got there. The nurse went over all the post-retrieval procedures, and I thought I was pretty coherent. I vaguely remember asking my mom to take a photo of my husband and I while I was still in my hospital gear, and in the picture I look like I had been bawling. Mom says that's why the Kleenex was there. Could've fooled me.

As I was leaving, I remember saying something to the effect of, "No offence, but I don't want to be here for that again." And the nurse said, "If you do, you should bring us some of those deviled eggs." Dear heavens, what had I been babbling about?  If you follow Nikus at Nikus' Road, you will know that she brought deviled eggs to her retrieval appointment, and I guess I was feeling guilty for not bringing anything to mine. (It was in a big hospital with doctors I'd never met before, though.) Seriously, what else did I talk about that I don't remember? I wish I had filmed the whole thing - I bet I was hilarious.

The two-hour ride home was easy, though I had one brief episode of extreme nausea. Then I put my head down and slept the rest of the way. I took a Tylenol when I got home because it did hurt a little and I was still a bit nauseous. I ate some chicken soup (of course) and drank a Sprite - common sickie practice.

Now, 11 hours after the procedure, I feel sore but so happy. I have 25 little embryos being presided over by a very nice embryologist. Tomorrow we find out who got fertilized and who didn't make the cut.

So happy. So positive. So thankful for all the texts and support I got throughout the day. And thankful for Tylenol, too. 

The Day Has Come

Finally!

I am excited to wake up at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow morning and get this show on the road! Okay, I'm not so excited about the 4:00 wake-up call, but I am excited to take the second-to-last final step in the process of (hopefully) becoming a parent!

My mom is here, my husband has the day off, and I have given all the shots I need to give. All the pieces are in place, and I'm ready to make this happen.

It's amazing how some things seem easy until you try them, and others seem daunting only until you give them a try. Infertility is riddled will both kinds of situations. IVF? Way harder and more time-intensive than I thought. The trigger shot? A breeze. Barely felt the little guy go in.  Let's hope tomorrow's adventure proves to be of the latter nature.

Ack!

The other night, I woke up in a panic thinking that there was a shot that I had been forgetting to take for the last few days...a mystery "fourth" drug that didn't really exist. It took me a few minutes to reassure myself that it was all a dream and I've been doing everything right. I think it's safe to say that the last few weeks have been overwhelming. I've had so many questions and have been so thankful for my friends, friends of friends, cousins, and blog buddies who are right there with me in this situation. (How do you all remember to ask the right questions in your appointments? I just come home and read your posts in order to know what's going on with my own IVF.)

But the end is near. I'm preparing for my Pregnyl (trigger) shot tonight at 7:30. Luckily, I have a husband who (I think) tends to relish the mixing / poking / needle process a little too much. Maybe he should have been a doctor? He's going to give me the shot tonight. No more Follistim, Menopur, or Luprolide! Yay!

Then it's smooth sailing on Wednesday and a 4:00 a.m. wake-up call on Thursday morning to drive to Denver for the retrieval.

Thank you all for your finger-crossing and prayers - it's worked so far, let's keep it up! I am so excited...and thinking only positive thoughts.

I have a date with destiny!

Or at least with a big needle and some fat follicles.

Everything went well today. My doc said that my lining was "pretty" (ooh la la), my follicles were growing nicely, and we're on track for a Thursday morning retrieval!

Hooray! For a while there, I wasn't sure if we were going to make it to this point, but my follies made up for lost time and are growing like champs. I'm excited to go to my last appointment tomorrow to monitor any last-minute growth, and then it's on to the big day...then the even bigger day on Saturday or Sunday. (Or somewhere-abouts.)

It's nice to have the thumbs-up after all this trouble. My belly is getting a little tired of being stabbed. I'm not complaining, mind you, just making an observation.

So far, so good...

Another checkup today, and everything seems to be going well. I still have plenty of eggs in both ovaries, but I'm hoping that they get nice and big before next week. (Lots of little ones at 8, lead follicle at about 12. I think - it's hard to concentrate when you are having an intimate experience with an ultrasound wand.)

Drugs? Check.
Sore ovaries? Check, check.
Feeling of hope and optimism. Check!

This feels more "real" now that my body is physically responding to all the drugs. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll check back in with a report on Monday...please pray for nice, big, healthy follicles for me!