Guess...What...I'm...Doing...Right...Now

Kegel exercises! I was totally doing them all through our staff meeting after school today.

I think that's enough to leave you with this evening. Wish me luck at our 12.5-week appointment tomorrow! Let's hear it for a heartbeat...

Nothin' Like Being Shamed by a 13-year old...

I teach middle school, in case you couldn't tell by my plethora of posts during the summer days...(now they will be less frequent).

Today, one of my past students came in to visit with me. We were chatting away and suddenly, she says, "You know, we were just talking in cross-country about you. We were like, 'why doesn't Mrs. S have any kids?'" She looked at me expectantly.

Gulp. So, I gave her the old "120 of you teenagers at a time is enough for me!" routine and that seemed to satisfy her. She did give me the benefit of the doubt, though, because she said that she defended my (childless) honor by saying that I'd have kids when I was ready. If only she knew I was ready three years ago...

I know that this is a silly reason (just one of about 1,001) for wanting to have kids of my own, but here it is: I want my students to be happy for me. I just know that they will love to come down from the HS when they watch their younger siblings' sports games and see my little baby. Is it weird to want to show off your offspring to other offspring?

Is Anyone Looking?

Ever since I didn't go to the coach's meeting three weeks ago (I usually coach 1-2 sports a year and am the head coach for at least one), everyone has been looking at me suspiciously. Dang it! I may have already blown my cover. They all know something is up. I keep denying it, but they keep eyeballing me.

It's okay. New Nurse (as opposed to my beloved old Nurse at my RE's office) said that I can have a heartbeat check at my next appointment (still not sure if that means an u/s - I suck at asking questions on the spot, but that sounded good enough). So, as long as everything is okay, I should be letting the cat out of the proverbial bag pretty soon here. Good thing...because none of my pants fit very well. I know that it still could be bloating, but it seems a little unlikely. Even in the early morning, before I get up, there's a definite rise in my mid-section when I lie down. Grow, baby, grow!

A few more weeks and then everyone can throw me a party. Oh yes, they will rejoice. I expect balloons. And cake. And then an even bigger baby shower later. Yeah...

But I Want it Nooowwww!

At the risk of sounding like a much older version of Veruca Salt, I called my doctor's office today. I want an ultra-sound before my scheduled 20-week appointment. Is that wrong?

The last u/s that I had was at 8.5 weeks. At that date, I made my next appointment for September 1st. I had assumed that I would have another u/s at that point. Wrong. There will be no ultrasound for another seven weeks. That's almost three months between ultrasounds!!! Isn't that a bit much?

How am I going to check on my tater tot? What is she going to do at this next appointment then? Just poke my belly and make me pee into a cup? I need photographic evidence that my baby is doing okay! (At least until it starts kicking my ribs.)

I don't mean to be a pain in the rear, and I don't mean to be demanding, but I did wait a very long time to get pregnant, and I did go through a lot, so I don't mind paying out-of-pocket for a little peace of mind. Will they do that?

I called to see if they could fit it in, and not I feel like I am the problem child of obstetrics. We'll see what they say when they call me back. If not, I'll get my daddy to buy me a new doctor. Wait, no, that was Veruca. I'll just find my own dang doctor.

No, You Don't Know

While at lunch the other day, a friend of mine accidentally "outed" me to two acquaintances. I guess she didn't know that I hadn't spilled the news to everyone yet. (I had told her because I ride horses with her and had to let her know why, during my longest break from work all year, I hadn't been over to ride all summer. I couldn't very well just say, "I just don't feel like riding this month. Or the next. Or the next seven after this.")

I didn't mind all that much, because my official "out" day is coming up very soon - September 1. I have my next u/s appointment, which will signal the end of my 12th week...so I figure I'm safe enough.

One woman said, "I'm so glad for you, because I know how hard you've worked for this." I was extremely grateful for the sentiment, and said so. But in my head, I was thinking, "No, you don't know how hard I worked for this. You never will." Will she ever know about the years of trying (and being disappointed) naturally? The awkward conversations with our family and husbands? The painful testing? The trips to the blood lab? The thousands of dollars of drugs? The nights lying awake wondering if I'd administered my drugs correctly? The canceled procedures that left us feeling hopeless?

Nobody who has gone through this will ever know what we've put up with. And I just wanted to stop for a moment and tell all of you: I am so proud of what you've done to make your dreams come true, whether they have or are about to. You are strong, resilient, courageous women (and men - our husbands are wonderful, too!) and I am so lucky to have your support throughout this time in my life. I heart you!

Whatever it is...it's hard to suck it in.

Some days my belly is bigger than others. So, unless my kumquat-sized baby is doing an impression of a puffer fish, I have to believe that it's mostly gas and bloating.

Sigh. I wish I really had a baby bump. Instead I just have a very slow intestinal tract.

Either way, it's hard to suck it in sometimes! Today, for instance, I arrived at work wearing a very loose dress (patterned, which seems to help) and I could still look down and see a little somethin' there. Ack! Even though it is just bloat, I am still pregnant, and I'm still not ready to let everyone know. So I'm trying very hard to slouch and suck in my gut.

Come on, Week 13...I need you. Sometimes I just can't suck hard enough.

10 Weeks!

Well, I've made it to 10 weeks and I have no news (good or bad) to report!

The only symptom that seems to hang around is my desire for certain foods. In early June it was salt, then it was cheese, and now I've been eating strawberries and eggs like they're going out of style! (Not together, mind you.)

I still have 2.5 weeks until my next OB appointment, which seems so far away. I wish they would give me one every two weeks until, oh, about week 28.

But as my friend tells me, "No bleeding, no spotting, no problem!" And I'm just going to go with that.

Google Info

There is no end to the strange things that I've Googled in my lifetime. My most recent query? I used the image search to look for photos of other women's bellies at 10 weeks. It seemed slightly voyeuristic and a little strange (especially considering some of the 15-year-olds who post their pregnant bellies), but I had to do it.

I just can't tell if I'm still bloated, have gained a little mid-section, or have a baby bump yet! I've seen a lot of conversations online about whether or not you can get a bump at 9.5 weeks, and the consensus seems to be that everyone is different.

I'm not going to lie - I have a belly. When I eat a substantial meal (like, only at dinner because it's so embarrassing), my belly grows to the size of a small watermelon. But not only am I still too nervous (about being pregnant at all) to take photos, but I also can't shake the feeling that my "belly" is less baby and more bloat. I have, after all, been perpetually bloated since...oh, about June.

I really can't wait to take the series of photos though. I think I'll start with 12 weeks - when I have my next u/s. (Everything always seems to hinge on my "next" u/s or appointment. They give me courage!)

Waking Up

I can remember a particular dream I had when I was little...

My mom had let us go shopping, and I had gone nuts at Mervyns. I bought clothes and shoes and things that I never could afford in real life. With my mountins of goods, I went home. I couldn't believe how lucky I was: All the kids at school would be so jealous of my new clothes and they would think I was the coolest kid ever! Placing them all carefully at the foot of my bed, I blissfully went to sleep.

And the next morning, I woke up. There was no mountain of clothing at the foot of my bed, not even a sock. I was devastated.

Over the last few days, I've been returning to my normal life. I get up, go to work, and do all the things I did before summer (and my newfound state) began. I've never been pregnant at work before. I've never sat at my desk, checked my staff mailbox, or decorated my classroom as a pregnant woman. It has lead to one thing...disbelief.

I wake up in the morning, get up, and have to remind myself that I really am pregnant. As life returns to normal, I suddenly expect the beautiful surprise of finding myself almost 10 weeks along to disappear, just like the mountain of clothing of my youth. But it is real. It is happening. And I'm trying to envision, every day, myself in a few months...waddling down the halls. This is one dream that I hope I never wake up from.

First Day Back!

We don't actually  have to be back at school until the 15th of this month, but everyone knows that teachers don't adhere to contract hours. I've been hitting the teaching resources for the past two weeks now, scouring education blogs and pouring over my newly-released scores (boo, by the way).

Of course, I ran into two women who knew that I was having my IVF this summer, but I didn't tell about our good news. (Even though Dr. K said that telling people at 9 weeks was prudent, I guess I'm just a nervous Nelly and will be waiting until my next u/s at 12 weeks.) And of course, they asked. (One by patting her belly and looking inquisitive.)

Maybe I shouldn't have told anyone what we were doing? I know this is a common question with IUI/IVF'ers. To tell or not to tell? Well, now I'm wishing I hadn't, evern though the support they gave me at the time (end of a long school year) was very helpful.

My answer? "I'll let you know in three weeks." That's all they need to know. I didn't tell them if I actually had the procedure yet, if I'd be getting a test in three weeks...anything. I was vague. But I think they were both satisfied with that answer. After all, it's still a very personal journey.

I'm a Charlotte

We all remember SATC, right? You either thought you were a 'Carrie', 'Miranda', 'Charlotte', or 'Samantha'. I'm sure there are still FB web quizzes that you can take to see which character you resemble most. I never thought I'd turn out to be a Charlotte - who had trouble having a baby. Sigh. I so wanted to be a Carrie.

When Charlotte finally did get pregnant (ahh, the myth that women suddenly get pregnant after adopting a baby), she was scared to go running. Even after her doctor told her that it was okay, she was still nervous. But she eventually became more confident and started running again.

Eh. I'm not so sure. As I stated in my last post, I haven't been running lately (i.e. since April) because I've been trying to give my body only one thing to work at: getting / staying pregnant. And I don't mind giving it up. I've been walking every day, and I'm not really one of those fanatic runners who lives on the high you get after a good run. I just like being outside. All I know about exercise is that I'm not supposed to get my heartrate up past 140 bpm. So, I'll just continue being a Charlotte until, maybe, I feel so confident in my pregnancy that I'm willing to step it up.

And thanks to my "back-to-school" shopping trip last week, I can still be a little bit Carrie.

Tossing Cookies

Is there anyone so excited as an infertile pregnant woman who gets the cold sweats and wants to throw up in the middle of an awards ceremony? The answer is: no.

I am at nine weeks today, and have a good story to tell.

My friend Kelly and I participate in 5K races throughout the year to keep fit and have fun. Obviously, I was not able to run today's race with her, but I came out to support and cheer her on anyway. This particular race is pretty grueling - lots of uphils and breeze-less canyons that suck the energy from you. Nevertheless, she did a fantastic job and I was at the finish line to cheer her in. While we waited for the awards, though, I began to feel suddenly like I just couldn't stand any longer. Surrounded by people who had just run personal bests on a rocky, hilly, very difficult course, I felt lightheaded.

I sat down on a nearby rock and instantly felt even worse. My hands, head, and chest began to sweat. I could feel the stirrings of nausea in my head and stomach. Kelly (who is one of just a few friends who "know") quickly got me a glass of water and an orange, which tasted very good and seemed to help. As she was sitting beside me, I heard her giggle slightly...she knew. At nine weeks, I've had my first "morning-sickness-ish" episode. It's what I've waited for.

I felt better in a few mintues, and couldn't stop smiling. Not that I like feeling that way, but I've been wanting a sign that I am still hormonally charged - and this was it. I didn't even run and I felt like throwing up! That is so not me. But as my mom said, "Your body is no longer your own." And I am perfectly happy to give it up. Do what you want, little tater tot, I'm all yours.

P.S. - I am having a hard time leaving comments on your blogs! My Google is all goofy and I can't seem to leave a message without getting the run-around. I am cheering for all of you pregnant gals and crossing my fingers for those in the throes of procedures...even if my comments aren't showing up!

Awesome!

Today we had our first appointment with Dr.K. It was great! She was hurried, as all doctors are, but very thorough and very nice. She is funny, fun, and kind, too. I was so nervous for this appointment. I know very few women in this area who have had kids, and therefore could only use websites and the phone book to help me get reviews. It was basically a blind guess. Would I like the doctor? Would her office be accommodating? Would she give me the 8-week ultrasound that my previous doctor had said I should have? (The receptionist said that they don't "normally" do one at this stage if one has already been performed, but it would be up to the doctor.)

Oh, I got my ultrasound. After a very loooong medical history (really thought I'd be past all that thanks to all the tests we've already been through - wrong), she gave me a quick once-over. Let me tell you: the part where she sticks her hand up to feel the 'space' in my pelvis...that was a lot of fun.

And then we got to see our little tater tot for the second time. (My sister visited this weekend and, when she was trying to convince me to stop at Sonic for lunch, said, "You need to feed your little tater tot some delicious tots!" It was one of those statements that may have been funnier at the time, but I like the name (and tots are my one junk-food weakness), so it's sticking.

I'm just another pregnant lady, now. And that feels so good. Though she took it into consideration and congratulated us for working through a long infertility process, she seemed to treat me like any other 8-week pregnant woman that would walk through the door. I got a pregnancy "goody bag" with lots of samples and magazines, even another book! I feel like I've won the lottery...and I deserve to feel excited and happy after a long three years. I have oficially "graduated" to normal, and I like it.

I Dare to Be off Drugs...

Well, this is my third day off of drugs, and I feel good. For the first time ever, I think I can feel the place where my baby is growing. There is definately a little, tiny bump that doesn't disappear when I suck in my tummy or lie on my back. My uterus is supposed to be the size of a softball this week, so I guess that would explain it.

I am excited to be edging closer to week 9...week 10...and soon week 12, where I will feel a lot better (and more secure) about being pregnant. School starts soon, and I can't imagine going back to work full-time. I am lucky that I don't have any sickness...'cause the kids would definately be talking if I had to leave the room to barf every 30 minutes. And students aren't very good at keeping secrets...