No Drugs...No Problem

Today is the day that I stop relying on modern medicine and start relying on my own body.

Crap.

Wait, I can do this, right? My doctor said that there is no reason why I can's support a pregnancy just like every other red-blooded woman. Worrying will not help, and worrying will not make my little one grow any faster / healthier. I need to be positive and strong.

And drug-free. Here we go...

My New Favorite Show

I know that most IF-ers will be incredulous, but I have a new favorite show: 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.'

Let me explain: I have virtually no pregnancy symptoms. I feel tired and get bloated very easily, but that's about it. Without my ultrasound, I wouldn't even think that I really was pregnant at all! So when an entire show is dedicated to a bunch of women with so few pregnancy symptoms that they don't even know they're pregnant until they deliver a baby in the bathroom (because they think they're constipated or their apendix burst), I feel better about my own pregnancy. Maybe there is hope for me!

I don't really want to give birth in a ladies' room, but I do want to know that it is possible to carry a baby without feeling sore, crampy, nauseous, or huge. I feel none of those things, but I have to keep hoping and believing that my little one is safe and sound...and growing.

That's Right, I'm HOT!

It gets pretty hot here in the summertime - usually around 97 on a good day. Since I am home every day (ahh, the joys of being a teacher), I am subject to whatever temperature it gets. Oh, and I should mention that we've never installed a cooler in our 100+ year-old house. In past summers, I've been just fine. I open the windows in the morning and then close them up when the temp heats up.

Oh, not this summer. After breaking down one day as I was putting cool wash cloths on my face and neck, I told my husband that the heat was literally unbearable. I made him put in a swamp cooler. Life has never been better! Now I can run that baby in the afternoons and the house gets down to a manageable temperature.

Just last night, my husband finally said, "You get hot really easily." Gee, darling, fter six years of not minding the heat, do you think that this summer is a little different for a reason? Is it me, or does pregnancy make you increasingly suseptable to heat? Don't we still technically have a fever of sorts?

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of my dog, doing what we do best this summer - taking a nap. She's hilarious.

Feeling Achey

Somehow, it feels different from cramps. It may be lower, even. But I am re-telling myself what my nurse told me on Monday: I will feel cramps and maybe even an occasional pain in my abdominal area. It's okay - my uterus is stretching and my little bean sprout is growing...hopefully a head. And arms. Those are essential.

For the first time (it only took three full weeks), I think I have finally accepted that I am pregnant. The ultra-sound helped a lot, as did my doctor's insistance that I have just as good a chance as any woman to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I think I might just be pregnant after all. Now if I could fast-forward time to week, say, 28...that would be great.  :)

What is this, college?

I live in a small town...have I mentioned that? Of the three OBG/GYNs in town, one I have been to and dislike, the other relies on the previous doctor to deliver when he's not available, and the third is new and no one knows anything about her. Sigh. So I've been calling around in the biggest nearby town to try and find a doctor that will see me.

In the first call, to a clinic that has two DOs, I was asked to submit my records for review, and if they accepted me, they'd call me back. What? Do you want me to write an essay explaining why I'd be a good patient? How about I come in for a try-out, wherein I demonstrate my excellent breathing technique and physical strengh?

The next clinic's receptionist said that she'd have to "check with the doctor" to see if she'd want to see me, considering I was an IVF patient. I feel like a leper. Ooh, IVF? I don't know...your baby might have two heads or something...

I want to stay with my current doctor and my lovely, kind, sweet nurse. I love them and they love me. But I suppose, since they love me, they have to set me free...boo.

The Most Beautiful Thing I've Ever Seen...

...is this little picture right here. I went in for my 6-week ultra-sound on Monday, and this is what I got. A heartbeat.

I was so nervous to go in, because my symptoms (what few there were) seem to be subsiding a little bit. My chest is not as sore (though still about a size and half bigger), though I have been really tired and bloated again.

Nevertheless, as I lay on the table and stared at the screen, this little gem of a blip showed up and, low and behold, a little flashing white dot that was a strong, beautiful, amazing 150bpm heartbeat. That's my baby. She/he's as big as a pencil eraser, but larger than life on that monitor.

Darn you, internet doctor!

Of course I am all over the internet these days, looking for websites that will tell me that my appointment on Monday is going to be fine, even though I don't seem to have any preggo symptoms.

Then I came accross an article on What to Expet that had this little gem of a quote for their 'Week 6' appraisal:

Nausea and vomiting: Whether you are experiencing slight queasiness or hurling breakfast, lunch, or dinner (or all three), look on the bright side. (Though admittedly it’s hard to look at the bright side when your view is the porcelain goddess!) Women who experience some nausea are significantly less likely to miscarry than those who don’t.

Well, that's just great. No only am I not necessarily craving anything, but I'm not even disgusted by anything! I know, I know, not every website is a paragon of factuality...my mom says that she never had nausea, and she had three perfectly wonderful pregnancies.

I am at six weeks today. My boobs are still fairly big, but no real "veins" or serious changes. I did feel a little tired today, but that might come with the "I've-been-avoiding-strenuous-activity-because-I'm-petrefied-that-anything-could-shake-loose-my-baby" lifestyle I've been living. Less activity actually makes me more tired. I need my runner's high back! Don't worry, I'm not going to go running just yet...

...but I am going to stop reading articles online. I'll stick to the info that I get from my checkups. The next one is on Monday and the wait is killing me! Come on, little baby...let's hear that heartbeat.

I am Boring

It's true!

Of the few women who know, so many of them keep asking me, "How do you feel?" I don't feel pregnant, if that's what you mean. I feel very, very normal.

I know you're all tired of hearing me say this, and I'm tired of saying it: but I wish I could have some symptoms! I'm at 5w2d, and I feel like I could go for a run this morning. No cramping. No cravings. No nausea. Nothing.

It's torture that I don't go in until the 18th (another week) for an ultra-sound. Torture, I tell you!

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

First Purchase

Because I am so nervous / cautious about this pregnancy, I don't really want to buy anything pregnancy-related until a few more weeks into it. No books, no baby stuff, no parenting magazines, etc.

But I had to cave in and buy one thing: a new bra. My girls were suffering! Even my sports bras were cinching my sore chest so badly that I had to take a trip to the Wal-Mart. It was worth it!

I still don't have any other real symptoms - no aversions to food or serious cravings (other than salt). But I figure that my hCG is still relatively low, so I guess it's okay.

Oddly enough, even though I am still having a hard time accepting my "condition", I had to tell quite a few people about it. Though I know most women don't reveal their pregnancies until about month three or four, my family all knew that I was going through with the IVF last month, and therefore knew that I would have "news" of some sort. My parents know, as do siblings. I even had to tell a friend, because she happened to be in town (from three states away) the day after my transfer, and you can't really make that many excuses for lying flat on your back for 48 hours. "I'd love to go whitewater rafting, dear friend, but I really want to watch this 'Trading Spaces' marathon for two days!" It just doesn't work.

The hardest part about everyone knowing is remaining calm. I want to be excited, but I think everyone has a hard time understanding why I'm so tentative. I will feel better after a few weeks (like 35), but right now I just want to lay low and get through each little milestone. I can't even talk about borrowing your maternity clothes, twice-pregnant sister! Someone told me that "everyone feels nervous" during the first few months, but I can't help but think that we infertiles are extremely nervous. And we have a psycholgical right to be: For months or years on end, we've borne disappointment after disappointment, and we are conditioned to expect the worst. Every day, I wake up thinking that I am another day pregnant...even hour to hour. I am slowly begining to re-train myself to accept this new miracle: good news. It's foreign to me, but I'm begining to like it.

Ask the Experts...

...can you tell how nervous someone is by how many questions they ask?

I had my second beta test today, which was 4 days after my Thursday test, thanks to the weekend. The nurse said my numbers looked "really good" - 603. Doest that seem low to anyone? I thought they were supposed to double every day. Thursday was 101, Friday should have been roughly 200, Saturday 400, Sunday 800 and today about 1,60. No? Yes? I'm gonna have to Google this...

I swear I do sometimes ask my nurses and doctors questions. I was just a little surprised at the number and didn't want to ask because I was driving. (I am not one of those people who can talk and drive - disaster can result.) But when I called back, they didn't answer because (technically) they're all on holiday; I think just one or two people were in the office to do bloodwork.

Sigh. Somebody please reassure me that a 13dp5dt hCG number of 603 is okay. Please! (And then, I swear I will call my RE tomorrow and have her explain the whole thing to me.)

Okay, I just answered my own question. Turns out it doubles every 48-72 hours...not every day. Whew! So I'm right on track, it seems. I found my answers here: hCG Level in Early Pregnancy.

Weird Dreams and Cramps

Last night, I woke up with a pretty strong cramping feeling in my abdomen. Of course, I feared the worst, but there was no bleeding whatsoever. It was over in a few minutes. And (this part is embarassing, but I think we're past all that), passing gas actually seemed to help.

Is this normal? My doctor's office won't be open until Monday, and even then I'm not sure who will be there. I've read online (ahh, the great information center) that cramping is normal and can be a sign that my uterus is getting ready to carry a baby for nine months. That's good news!

It still makes me nervous though, as does sneezing, caughing, or laughing too hard. Or going down stairs. I'm going to be nervous until month nine, I can tell already.

I've also been having very weird dreams the last few nights. I've been told that dreaming actually only occurs in the last few minutes of your sleep, as you regain consciousness. That makes sense, especially because I've been getting up really early to go to the bathroom, and then trying to go back to sleep. Last night there was water-skiing, women's lingere, and paintball guns involved. I won't even go there...

But still happy that I am experiencing this feeling...it's all going to work out.

Pinch Me.

It still doesn't feel completely real.

Maybe I'll go out and buy a (brand new) HPT and give myself the satisfaction of seeing those two pink lines.

I still don't really feel much different. Every once in a while my uterus makes itself known - not really a "cramp", but something like it. My chest is still sore, but no identifiable changes as yet.

I really just want to wake up one morning and feel full-blown morning sickness. I think then I will truly feel pregnant. That and I'd like my boobs to grow another cup size. (I've been wanting that to happen for a loooong time.) Maybe then I'll really feel pregnant.

I will admit to you, because you won't tell anyone, that I am one of those crazy people who started collecting baby paraphanelia about 6 months before we started trying (in 2008). Therefore, I have a box of books, baby clothes, and toys in my shed that have never seen the light of day. Today, for the first time in three years, I took out the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". And for the first time ever, I got to move past 'Chapter 1 - Are You Pregnant?'. Because, dang it, I AM pregnant. I also bought a real bottle of Prenatal vitamins at the store yesterday. (Don't worry, I've been taking a women's multivitamin with folic acid and vitamin D suplements up to this point. My doctor said that was fine.) But it felt so good to go to the register and buy something that pregnant women buy.

I am excited and trying not to be nervous. Every other "normal" woman gets to be excited as soon as she sees the pink lines...and I deserve that, too.

Thank you all for your congrats...I'm excited for myself and for the other ladies who have gotten their good news this month, too.